observations of an introvert

 

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my words are perhaps not as beautiful
or maybe not as well-put
as other people’s nor as flowing through your soul
as the next one you’ll see
but to me, it’s all down to being true
to your nature regardless.

not every piece will be a masterpiece,
or have a great impact and so forth
but ironically enough: that’s what
helps you grow as a person.

like flowers, we need to
nurture our minds
before they can bloom
no great was created overnight,
but we can all dream.

 

tell-tale signs of inner change

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I found solace in the dark, more than I found loneliness in the corners of my mind
and that has always comforted me to an extent; yet nostalgia walks this road too
my faithful companion as usual, never too far away if and when I need a hand.

Depression is like the weather; it comes and it goes, leaving you in a state
of never knowing when it will break you next or if it will at all?

Suffering can be almost non-visible to the naked eye, but not to your soul
because you’ll always have that anxious, gut-wrenching instinct. I believe so.

Hard to describe, this really is. Seven years and I’m still lost in translation
of what it really means, or what it does to your state of mind.

But I am certain, it changes everything about you.

a poet never forgets

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Love, a sculpture by Alexandr Milov.

 

You might walk over memories like
a street, but I’ll cross it semi-consciously
wondering if I’d bump into you as I walk on my own,
gradually figuring out that life wasn’t built for two.

Continue reading “a poet never forgets”

ghost of your past

It began harmlessly enough, I never expected it to change my perspective of love,
but with all departures; will come sadness. Suddenly, you’re lost in the madness.

Had a charm for days, a smile that could make anyone’s stomach fill
with butterflies just from a simple look. It was muse at first glance
and as I look again on it, maybe it was meant to happen.

hopes

You gave me this vibe – a sentimental yet swiftly cold aura, I knew in my heart I’d place you in the depths of my heart. As much as I like to deny it for all it is worth, you truly got me struck with 3 words. From the hello that shaped our moments, to the silent goodbye-
and the spiral of repetition cycles, this was true; regardless of what you think of us now.

”Pistanthrophobia; the fear of trusting

Drove me mad, but kept me happy. Made me cry, yet you’re the rays of sun on my face,
we made a mess of our time, something we’ll never get back, but I’ll treasure this
and it doesn’t matter if we don’t ever speak again, having you once was enough.
I am not your only love, neither would I expect it from a heart of such charm
although it does get to me, how I’m now the ghost of your past.

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Surely, it must have meant the world to you at some point,
or maybe it did not- since you didn’t love me at first chance.

I wish I could understand your reasons for letting go,
because it’d bring me well-needed peace.

I can only hold on to the memories we built-
and the ones we never had the chance to.

semi-conscious belonging

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Never truly had the balance, nor the patience
to really be in sync with reality’s harsh brutality.
I’ve always coated my blues with hues of nostalgia
and rose colored shade of happier times in tact.

I see relief when I stand in the pouring rain as it falls,
a sense of weightlessness when a melody strikes my ears,
it feels like I can’t be torn apart, almost like I’m indestructible.

it’s like a kiss of calm; something I rarely feel,
and sadness feels like a distant memory.

“Can you understand? Someone, somewhere, can you understand me a little,
love me a little? For all my despair, for all my ideals, for all that – I love life.
But it is hard, and I have so much – so very much to learn.”

Sylvia Plath.

depth of thought

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It’s never as lovely as the movies depict it, neither as pleasant as we’d like it all to be.
We rarely voice concern over the things that trouble us the most, but we ought to.

I would have appreciated more willingness to listen, regardless of understanding,
but it seems like I’ll never truly get that closure that everyone longs to gain,
from the moments of deep thought, which I am sure; we all have.

There are moments I gain strength from living in dark of my abilities,
but other times, all you feel is bitter blows of reality toppling your chest,
to the point where it really couldn’t get worse, even if you tried.

Life is a strange thing, in all sense of the word.

I’m rather fond of what surrounds me, but-
it does feel quite empty at times…

two years

tumblr_mcxc5zlQQN1rzanhwo1_1280.jpgIt’s been a struggle from the moment I acknowledged my addiction, my need to feel relief in the shape of scars that now seem like an old, faded memory of my darkest moments- and I’ve dealt with more emotions than a tissue full of tears, there’s never a moment when I’m truly on the path to happiness, if I’m honestly speaking on behalf of my broken spirit in general. As glad as I am to have escaped this unhealthy addiction, I also feel empty in comparison to most. I never destroyed myself for the sake of attention, or the common things people think of or associate with in terms of when others speak of self-destructive coping methods; such as self-harm etc. The moment I did it, I knew I’d be a long way from not doing it again, yet here I am, two years clean from the relief I thought I needed to bring upon myself. I thought I needed to inflict this on myself, as if struggles were a sin, as if feeling blue was a reason to hurt myself. I now realize that the pain I went through helped me become stronger, even though at times I feel like the weakest person alive. I also found clarity, after years of being stuck in a rut of darkness and endless misery. Stopping yourself from doing it, doesn’t stop your mind from thinking about it 24/7, it just means you have enough willpower to not let yourself fall like you did in the past. Whether it’s been a day, a week, a month, a year; the pain is still as raw and personal as it would be. It’s okay to have an off-day, but it’s always good to remember that you are more than your personal demons or addictions, you are a human being who deserves more from life; more happiness, more love, more life in yours in general. Don’t let your struggles define you, you’re worth more than you think. I’m probably a hypocrite for saying this, but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone to feel so low that you feel the need to hurt yourself. There are so many coping methods you could try; write your heart out, paint what you feel, just don’t think that you need to feel pain in order to cope. It’s the same with a lot of other things. So whether you’re depressed, dealing with anxiety, or even self-harm, remember that you are breathing for a reason, that all these obstacles are simply a test, you’ll get through it one way or another. I believe in you.

unrequited emotion

When love hurts; it’s the real kind. I found myself saying that,
as I bit my tongue and patiently waited for tears to stop falling down.
I’ll be okay, you said. stupid enough, but I fell for that lie.

Years down the line, here I am. I feel more broken than ever and it’s all because I can’t seem to let go of past memories that now haunt my soul like a skeleton in the closet.

As the days turn into months and then so forth, you start to feel empty inside, like nothing could hurt you more because it’s already too painful. I trusted you when you said I’d be okay, that it was okay to feel like this as long as I knew it was going to get better.
I now found it all to be a complete lie. I found it wasn’t better, no improvement in the slightest and I feel like a fool for thinking I could believe you after your departure.

I’m sure everyone’s thinking the same; poor girl, having a pity celebration for days.
although, it was far worse; it was the definition of ice-cold hatred towards self.

Sure, they both are pretty much the same thing, but I guess it depends…

I’ve found solace in written drafts, hidden notes all over the web.
personally, it’s a relief to pour my emotions out in peace like this.
I know, I’m not the greatest writer or artistic creation – I’m a mess.

Honestly, poems are a loophole, a sense of belonging and unconditional support, something that will never just stand up and walk out the door, or tell you it doesn’t love you anymore, unlike the people who walk in and out of your life as if your existence is fading. I write to free my soul of pain, to feel the weight fall off my shoulders, just to feel alive once again. I’m sure it means little or nothing to others, but without my creativity, I’d most likely not be here anymore and that’s just how that is. I feel it completes me, strengthens me and helps me rise from the ashes no matter how badly I burn in the fire of the moment and the pain of old tragedies. Nostalgia finds itself around me still though.

As I write this, I overthink the concept without intent, I censor my mind to sound less of a crazy person than I already think I am. I judge my every word before anyone gets a chance, I find myself writing all the things my mind is thinking. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, neither do I even know the difference. but regardless, here I am; as bare and brutally honest as a person will ever be, sharing a piece of me I’d usually keep to myself.

Writing in general helps me cope, it’s the one thing I turn to in times of pain.

 

 

note to self & others:

We’ve survived another 365 days of endless mayhem & crazy moments,
as we end this year with a bang, we take a look down memory lane.

We remember all the moments that changed us, bettered us, hurt us.
& regardless, we are grateful; for those have made us stronger as a whole.

Although we have a long journey to go, we continue to grow as souls.

It’s been quite a year, some moments better than others,
perhaps a balance; of all things, strange & un-expected.

Personally, it’s been one hell of a realization for me, myself & I.
I’m grateful for everything though, it helped me discover a lot
and it makes me more eager to explore what’s next to come.

And to whoever has struggled this year: we’ve made it!
I’m so proud of anyone who has struggled & yet still fought on
it’s not easy to deal with our problems, it’s endless at times
but getting through it despite it all is an accomplishment.

With each year, we learn more about ourselves as a whole,
we discover parts of us we never knew existed
as well as finding strength we never knew we had.

This year has been full of risks, anxious moments,
self-loathing, overthinking, but we still made it through.

I have a good feeling about 2016 though, it’s kind of nice.

Happy New Year’s Eve, everyone!

I hope it’s a good one for you and even if it isn’t
then just know that you’re worth so much.

Stay strong, I love you all!