As a writer, speaking from the heart is something I always thought of, whether it was late at night and my eyes were tired, or I was completely awake but I lacked the motivation to really make an effort in writing.
What makes it so personal to me, is knowing that my emotions now has a voice & it’s of the written kind which in a way, makes this a humbling experience as well as an opportunity to really be heard, right?
For many years, I hid away under pseudonyms because I never truly believed in my work, it sounds
a tiny bit strange to begin with, but at the same time, I was going through the darkest moments in life and perhaps that guided me through a different path, which I’m now glad for; because I am me because of it.
In the years since my recovery, I’ve found bits and pieces of myself, that I never appreciated before & it’s incredible. I also found that, instead of having to belong to someone to feel whole, in reality, I was always whole because I had myself. And when I use that phrase, what I mean by the word ”whole” is that I was never alone, even during the moments where my heart was lonely and seeking comfort in spilling my emotions onto a piece of paper or a painting. I’ll admit, the previous years of my life were a dreary existence, there was chaos and drama, all wrapped up in a bow and I wasn’t happy. I was anything but that, actually.
I remember loathing my own existence to the point where I thought it would never become anything more than it was in the beginning. I felt like that for the longest amount of time, it was honestly surreal.
Fell in love a bunch of times, which sure, changed my life but not in the way I thought it would.
It didn’t really enhance my life, all it did was create a dark cloud of insecurity and lack of trust
between two hearts. and to be honest, I felt increasingly alone and sad within at this point.
But my point is, letting go of all that has been nothing but a benefit to my life, although at times,
there were moments where I fell into nostalgia and found myself clinging to old moments in life where it was all supposedly bliss.