In the last three years, I’ve had so much clarity about many things.
When you see things in a different light, from a perspective you never considered before, it can change you somewhat. It doesn’t happen overnight, but the little details make a big difference.
Hasn’t been an easy journey to take, yet I feel life has only just begun for me. Learning to set boundaries, being kinder to yourself and making decisions based on the data your mind has been collecting all this time. That’s what I want to continue with.
I used to worry so much about people’s opinion of me, tried to be the person they wanted me to be, and ultimately found myself lost in the depths of my insecurities.
Acceptance took a long time, plus you lose a lot of people in the process.
Despite the harsh reality of it all, you just have to face it. Gradually or all at once. It’s uncomfortable, scary, hard to tell which way it’s going to turn out.
We also need more kindness in the world, especially with all the hatred and chaos. Empathy is important, although it depends on the situation and the person, I know.
It all varies, that’s the very obvious thing in all of this. I can’t always find the right words for how I feel, which is okay. We discover new things every day, whether it’s about ourselves or others.
Honestly, I’m still learning and discovering. Where life will take me, and the path I’ll be on the next second, who knows. I don’t even think I’d want to know all the outcomes.
All I know is, I want to be kind, empathetic and I want my self-growth to continue to evolve and strengthen with time. Not sure if this all makes sense, but maybe some of it does.
Just some thoughts I had tonight, and as always, have a good night and I’ll be back tomorrow with another entry on the blog.
Saying goodbye is the hardest thing, especially when the person does not recognize who you are anymore and you could not communicate due to a language barrier that once didn’t exist, not to mention the distance between you and I for the longest of time. That’s what happened in the months before you left this Earth.
Today marks five years without the most loving, compassionate, selfless grandmother a young woman could ever have wished for. It feels just like yesterday when I got the call no one wants to get.
As much as I tried to prepare myself for this moment to arrive because I understood that it was inevitable, it was still one of the most painful moments of my life. Talking about this woman in the past-tense never gets easier, the first few years of grieving the loss, I truly felt numb, crying felt impossible because I was so in denial.
To this day, I cherish our last conversation. You said my name in such a delicate tone, you asked me how my day was, and you said you loved me.
Whenever I have a moment of sadness, or just a tough day in general, I think of you and I smile. You showed me what it means to be strong, your bravery and strength through it all was powerful beyond words, you are truly my hero, my guardian angel above, alongside the other beautiful souls who are up there with you.
What has also made me feel closer to my late grandmother is one of middle names, which is hers and it is right next to my first name, I really find comfort in that. And I also find comfort in faith, because my grandmother kept it near and dear to her heart all her life, until the end.
Immensely grateful for the years I got to know you, you’ll always be so important to me and remembered for your kind heart, nurturing nature and a lot more.
Grief can be such a wake-up call, it makes you appreciate life, love and family more than ever. Of course, bear in mind, the complexity will always be there, regardless of time.
Cherish the ones you love, be kind, take care of you and others and God bless you all.
Looked at old notes earlier, that I previously wrote and saved to my phone and it’s kind of bittersweet. It’s not very often that I do that, mainly because I end up missing certain people.
Nostalgia is tough sometimes, some memories leave a lasting impression on your mind. Whether that’s good or bad, I don’t know.
Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. That’s something I was told a while back, and it’s very true, at least for me.
Although, I do wish I had been slightly more mature than I was years ago, maybe it would have changed how things turned out. The “what if” still haunts me to this day.
Earlier tonight, I found myself wanting to reach out to someone in particular, who I haven’t spoken to in about three years, and a part of me has always wanted that person back in my life.
They were one of my closest friends, we had a complicated connection from the start, but I’ve always been curious about how things would be now, if we had remained close, especially since we’re both older and wiser.
Perhaps, in the near future, we’ll be able to reconnect.
Time definitely heals a lot, but not everything, as much as we would like for that to be reality. I feel like I’m starting to lose my train of thought now, so maybe I should leave it at this for the moment.
Need to get some sleep, but I’ll be back with another post tomorrow afternoon or late evening. Tomorrow is Friday, so glad.
To say I appreciate the better, brighter days of life would be an understatement. There’s a lot of gratitude involved, especially if you’ve been through a lot and so, you appreciate every ounce of good that comes your way.
All I want is peace of mind, to be completely honest with you.
It’s hard to know what the future will hold, but I’m trying to just take life one day at a time, because you can’t predict what will happen in the next.
As someone who feels better when I have some kind of vague idea of what a day will be like, that can be difficult. However, there’s nothing wrong with that at all.
Is life going to be predictable? Well, depending on the circumstances and events, it could be, or it could be the complete opposite.
That’s probably a permanent note to self: take it as it comes.
As challenging as that can be, I try to not let fear take the steering wheel, if that makes sense?
This post was meant to be written way earlier, so excuse the late ramblings from yours truly. I also need to get some rest before tomorrow, got a lot of revision and study to complete in the next week.
Quite an early write, I say as I write at 9:30pm on this surprisingly wonderful Sunday evening.
Apart from a few things I have to do still, I’ve completed the majority of what I wanted to achieve today, so that’s a good start.
Despite the slight overthinking that lingered from last night, I feel better, and I managed to get my package from the next door neighbor, it was an order from Candy Kittens, to be specific. I don’t really have a sweet tooth anymore, but when/if I do, those are good. Not too sweet/sour, just right.
The reward system my mobile network provider operates has some good moments, free treats are hard to refuse if the price of shipping isn’t too expensive, haha.
Anyway, I feel like I’m rambling and losing my train of thought. I can talk for hours, which some might find hard to believe as I do have my introverted tendencies.
Plus, the heating works and we’re finally out of the minus degree weather.
I don’t really have much to add, except those few feelings and thoughts of mine tonight. I do want to start writing more poetry and other length material, if anyone’s interested in that kind of stuff.
Not the best at it, but who really is? Even the most talented writers have their own imperfections, which is not a bad thing. No one is perfect.
Might talk more about this over the next week or so.
I do believe I might possibly release something this year, but we’ll see. There’s a lot going on in the world, which is quite evident for a lot of us.
Well, I’ll end this post at that. Hope you’re having a good day/night.