depth of thought

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It’s never as lovely as the movies depict it, neither as pleasant as we’d like it all to be.
We rarely voice concern over the things that trouble us the most, but we ought to.

I would have appreciated more willingness to listen, regardless of understanding,
but it seems like I’ll never truly get that closure that everyone longs to gain,
from the moments of deep thought, which I am sure; we all have.

There are moments I gain strength from living in dark of my abilities,
but other times, all you feel is bitter blows of reality toppling your chest,
to the point where it really couldn’t get worse, even if you tried.

Life is a strange thing, in all sense of the word.

I’m rather fond of what surrounds me, but-
it does feel quite empty at times…

two years

tumblr_mcxc5zlQQN1rzanhwo1_1280.jpgIt’s been a struggle from the moment I acknowledged my addiction, my need to feel relief in the shape of scars that now seem like an old, faded memory of my darkest moments- and I’ve dealt with more emotions than a tissue full of tears, there’s never a moment when I’m truly on the path to happiness, if I’m honestly speaking on behalf of my broken spirit in general. As glad as I am to have escaped this unhealthy addiction, I also feel empty in comparison to most. I never destroyed myself for the sake of attention, or the common things people think of or associate with in terms of when others speak of self-destructive coping methods; such as self-harm etc. The moment I did it, I knew I’d be a long way from not doing it again, yet here I am, two years clean from the relief I thought I needed to bring upon myself. I thought I needed to inflict this on myself, as if struggles were a sin, as if feeling blue was a reason to hurt myself. I now realize that the pain I went through helped me become stronger, even though at times I feel like the weakest person alive. I also found clarity, after years of being stuck in a rut of darkness and endless misery. Stopping yourself from doing it, doesn’t stop your mind from thinking about it 24/7, it just means you have enough willpower to not let yourself fall like you did in the past. Whether it’s been a day, a week, a month, a year; the pain is still as raw and personal as it would be. It’s okay to have an off-day, but it’s always good to remember that you are more than your personal demons or addictions, you are a human being who deserves more from life; more happiness, more love, more life in yours in general. Don’t let your struggles define you, you’re worth more than you think. I’m probably a hypocrite for saying this, but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone to feel so low that you feel the need to hurt yourself. There are so many coping methods you could try; write your heart out, paint what you feel, just don’t think that you need to feel pain in order to cope. It’s the same with a lot of other things. So whether you’re depressed, dealing with anxiety, or even self-harm, remember that you are breathing for a reason, that all these obstacles are simply a test, you’ll get through it one way or another. I believe in you.

unrequited emotion

When love hurts; it’s the real kind. I found myself saying that,
as I bit my tongue and patiently waited for tears to stop falling down.
I’ll be okay, you said. stupid enough, but I fell for that lie.

Years down the line, here I am. I feel more broken than ever and it’s all because I can’t seem to let go of past memories that now haunt my soul like a skeleton in the closet.

As the days turn into months and then so forth, you start to feel empty inside, like nothing could hurt you more because it’s already too painful. I trusted you when you said I’d be okay, that it was okay to feel like this as long as I knew it was going to get better.
I now found it all to be a complete lie. I found it wasn’t better, no improvement in the slightest and I feel like a fool for thinking I could believe you after your departure.

I’m sure everyone’s thinking the same; poor girl, having a pity celebration for days.
although, it was far worse; it was the definition of ice-cold hatred towards self.

Sure, they both are pretty much the same thing, but I guess it depends…

I’ve found solace in written drafts, hidden notes all over the web.
personally, it’s a relief to pour my emotions out in peace like this.
I know, I’m not the greatest writer or artistic creation – I’m a mess.

Honestly, poems are a loophole, a sense of belonging and unconditional support, something that will never just stand up and walk out the door, or tell you it doesn’t love you anymore, unlike the people who walk in and out of your life as if your existence is fading. I write to free my soul of pain, to feel the weight fall off my shoulders, just to feel alive once again. I’m sure it means little or nothing to others, but without my creativity, I’d most likely not be here anymore and that’s just how that is. I feel it completes me, strengthens me and helps me rise from the ashes no matter how badly I burn in the fire of the moment and the pain of old tragedies. Nostalgia finds itself around me still though.

As I write this, I overthink the concept without intent, I censor my mind to sound less of a crazy person than I already think I am. I judge my every word before anyone gets a chance, I find myself writing all the things my mind is thinking. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, neither do I even know the difference. but regardless, here I am; as bare and brutally honest as a person will ever be, sharing a piece of me I’d usually keep to myself.

Writing in general helps me cope, it’s the one thing I turn to in times of pain.

 

 

the heart has a mind, and it adores you

The faces are always you, by the looks of it, and I’m tired of pretending like I don’t love that, or the fact you make me ever so smitten, despite the amount of distance between us. It could be years from now and I’d still feel your hologram hand on my shoulder, flickering lights go off in my head and I am alive once again. The day you touched my soul, it turned gold. Memories live on inside of my mind and I don’t think I’ll ever want to forget your effect. As crazy as it seems, you’re a dream come to light, angels and demons would have a fight when it comes to your source of energy. It was a mix of good and bad, the kind of balance anyone would lean over for, would fight all their lives to gain just an ounce of. You see drugs on a table as a bad influence, but not the walking temptations that roam the streets, breaking the hearts of doomed souls for a laugh. Addictions can rise from a simple touch to a captivating smile. Anything or anyone can make you feel alive. Even your worst enemy can give you something you’ve never had, life is full of twists and turns, and we’ll never learn, because that’s a part of our lives, we make a mess, we make amends, but the heart stays true to it’s belief.

open letter to younger self

This was going to be just a blog full of poems, but I want this to be a mix of topics
& subjects in terms of writing. It’s not all about poetry, you know.

Writing is that addictive hint of mystery, clarity & history in the making.
It’s more than just getting your heart broken and putting thoughts to paper
but it feels like people forget sometimes, more than that
I know I forget the whole meaning of it from time & time
and it feels like a sin, if I can put it lightly.

Ever since I could, I’ve been writing & writing but never that good
& of course, the inspiration wasn’t something I looked for back then
but I definitely understood it more as I began my teenage years.

Looking back at my past work is sometimes a difficult task.

I find myself broken-hearted, anxious, scared & hurting once again
I’m in a simulation of the past; feeling all my fear coming back to life
all the memories flood back like a sea coming back & over the shore
there are things I like about it all, there are things I’d like to forget
& sometimes there are things I wish I could erase & paint a better memory.

But there’s a lot I’m grateful for, when it comes to this:

1. The struggles helped me change for the better.
2. I overcame my demons even though I struggle at times.
3. Fear no longer consumes me like it once did.

Those are only a few of the things, but I could definitely state more.

Sometimes we have to be lost in the dark in order to find our purpose.

 

 

dying for a touch of paradise

I simply can’t get you out of my head
& I wonder if I ever will at this point

a single thought of you drives me insane
with desire to kiss & tell about your soul

magnificent piece of art
whom consumes my mind

madness called unconditional love

you’re like the tattoo I don’t have yet
an image in my head that I’m obsessed with

you’re like the book I haven’t gotten to read
yet the cover is stuck in my head

you’re like the sun that hasn’t shined
yet the rays of light is what I need

you’re like the bad habit I’m currently fighting against
yet it makes me feel so alive whilst losing my breath

you’re the soulmate I wish I could have held
yet I know I can’t look back on damaged love

you’re the world I want to see and explore
but I know I probably won’t see it all

I’m sick of many things, including my love for you
yet it’s the only thing that makes me want to be alive
and try a bit harder to succeed in this path of life

I see you as my world, my sun, my moon
my good, my bad, my heart
my love, my all.

last hours

I’m again thinking of the moments of youth
I now wish I had a hold of

the hours turned into years
I found myself encountering fears
& now I have a whole new look at life
I am so glad to have blossomed
into the flower I needed to be

independent and strong
like a young woman should be.

shades of life

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3 days until my teenage reign is officially over and I’m old.
I’m not sure how to feel; although my current pain is one thing
it’s been a difficult few years of lust, heartbreak and anxious moments
but I thank the people and struggle for changing me for the better
never thought I’d ever be saying that but here I am.

Turning 20 is a big deal for me, I was a lost soul for so long
and I was sure I wouldn’t make it through a lot of my problems
but I’m glad life is changing for the better & I’m healing.

When life was at a terrible point, it consumed me
and made me feel like nothing would ever change
I was depressed, suicidal, hurting myself, crying constantly
always living as if though I was an empty shell of a being.

I never openly discuss much, except in poetry
but I figured it would be good to explain my battles
and explain how that particular pain changed me
and how I also changed myself into the person I am today

Without these battles, I wouldn’t have fought this
I wouldn’t have said “enough”, and recovered slowly
I wouldn’t have made an effort with any of it

I’m not sure anyone will be interested in reading this
but this is just me opening my heart to you
and hoping this will give you an insight
into the person I am and I continue to be.

Poem: Back Of Mind

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A poem by me:

There’s a song in my head but it doesn’t exist yet
Perhaps the bittersweet melody of life,
That others like to describe.

Or the nostalgic beat of a broken heart’s skip on repeat,
Regardless of the content; I am forever smitten.

Either by your smile, or the haze of false hope,
Whatever it is, it’s in the back of my mind.