twenty

My last day of being 20, nearly heading off to 21. I find it bittersweet because my late grandfather’s birthday should have been today, and it’s officially a week since my grandmother passed away. I find time is never truly appreciated until it’s nearly gone
and since I lost her, time is something I pay attention to more than ever before, honestly.

It’s crazy how a loss such as this was a wake-up call for me and all of my family. I’ve been looking through childhood photos and I still can’t speak of her in past tense, it still hasn’t sunk in that I’ll never see her again. I guess sometimes we need a lot of rain to create a beautiful rainbow of hope. Sigh, nostalgia lane. Yeah, this isn’t exactly a great blog post but it’s something dear to my heart and I find myself forgetting that a lot of the time.

As of midnight, I’ll be taking a moment to remember my grandparents.
Sometimes, we all need that silence to clear our path and build upon life.

heaven took you home

On May 19th 2016, my world changed for the worst; my incredible, beloved grandmother Eila succumbed to her cancerous brain tumor as well as suspected organ failure. I was prepared for the days to come, as I had been told to prepare for the worst to happen but when it actually happened less than a night and a half later, you could say I was in shock, speechless, lost for words completely like any person would be. I miss her unconditionally.

To me, she wasn’t just a grandmother, she was a ray of sunshine on a cold autumn’s day, that breath of fresh air in the summer, that crisp snowflake falling from above, she was one of the most inspiring women I ever had the chance to know, although not for too long, but my memory of her will never fade, she’ll forever be in my heart, my guarding spirit.

I always knew this day would come, but when it would and how it would affect me, I never truly understood the depth of it all until I got that dreaded phone call. I froze, literally.

Can’t put it into words how amazing she was to me, how much she adored her family, she was the human definition of unconditional love and care, she had the most caring spirit I’ve ever known, kindness beyond words, a heart of gold regardless of circumstance, so it pains me when I have to talk about her in past tense, it absolutely breaks my heart to know that I’ll never get another hug from my dearest grandmother again.

She never once complained about the cancer that ultimately would take her last breath, and I never once witnessed her asking others for help, she was independent, vibrant and strong until she no longer could be, and I know that saddened her in more ways than anyone could imagine. Never thought I’d be writing something like this, but this is to honor my grandmother for the amazing human being she was, and I hope Heaven knows that it gained a beautiful angel with golden wings. She was my sunshine in the gray, and now my sky is empty without her glow.

RIP, Grandma. I will never forget you. I hope I make you proud.

 

a note of gratitude

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Life will always be a mix of good and bad, sometimes one can out-weigh the other and sometimes, the opposite can happen. But regardless, I think it’s vital for every person to appreciate what they have more than everything they don’t have at this present time.

I, particularly am grateful for the friends who have been there for me from the start, and for my insane family who keeps me pretty much as down-to-earth as a human being can get.

Also, a shout-out to the pain that made me rise, the heartbreaks that made me think twice, and the current situations which keep me at my toes at all times. If it wasn’t for the madness of life, I probably would still be stuck in a rut about things now, but I am progressing in life and making the most of every moment I have.

It’s too complicated having grudges, fears, insecurities.
I know this might be difficult but those shall pass and you will find a better day.
In awe at these past few days, I am happier than I’ve ever been,
and I am so happy to show it off and be proud.

Depression and anxiety have always kept me in this comfort zone for most of my life, so to break free from the chains that nobody else sees but me, it’s a huge sigh of relief. I know a few days back, I posted about my struggles, at the time I was begging for a miracle because I was so anxious and scared about so many things, my mind was all over the place in thought.

But it feels like a cloud has been lifted, I feel alive once again and that is something I haven’t felt in ages. I never felt alive, I felt like a numb zombie, I was constantly at war with myself. But now as I am on my way to become 21, I realize that the obstacles you face, you can walk over them and fight on like the strong person you are.

My advice to anyone is: never depend on people for happiness, expectations lead to disappointment, always follow your heart no matter what, believe in yourself and your potential in this world, and most importantly; take care of YOU.

cavities and anxiety

I made so much progress at the start of my journey, but as I took one step back, so did my progress in terms of anxiety. It’s something I’ve battled with and suffered from quite a few years now, but the battle; it never truly ends, no matter what anyone says or thinks.

It’s pretty much like depression, except you’re anything but numb to the fact that it triggers automatically as soon as you want to go out, eat in public, or even simply want to take a walk outside and appreciate the oxygen we breathe and the roads we walk in this life.

Must admit, I thought I was over it when I had the courage to walk alone, stay out late, and didn’t worry about the small things that used to bother the hell out of me, regardless of what. But the truth is, it was in placebo effect mode, and now as I think about it, everything starts making sense. I wasn’t making progress, anything but that.

Denial and winning is two different things, and I was not the winner of this battle yet, I was still on the road to recovery of self and control. I wish it were merely a light-switch.

the art of mind

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I never thought my life would be so influenced by the internet, and it feels surreal talking about it, because I don’t consider myself an established blogger/writer as of yet. And to whoever does follow my blog, thank you for motivating me to continue. They say writing is like putting a flower garden together, you help it all grow into something beautiful and worthwhile. I would add a “read more” link but it’s nice to express simply because I enjoy it. Although, a bit of traffic is never a bad thing! Unless you’re a driver, (oops sorry). On another note, I really would love to hear what YOU think. Like for example; what makes a writer great? if anything, what does a good blog contain? I’m hoping to hear opinions, because yours will mean a lot. As a writer, I want to progress, I want to be relatable and be able to reach people in the sort of depth that really connects us. Do I want to be a full-time writer? Of course I do. Will I achieve that? I don’t know yet. Regardless of what life throws my way, I will always write for the sake of creativity and self-expression. It’s amazing how simple words can unite and guide us. I’m not sure where to end this, but perhaps it is eternal, metaphorically speaking.

-mc.

the mindset of a writer

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The mind never sleeps, and by losing an hour of each day, I feel that I won’t be sleeping much either. Right now, I am in a stage in my life where I am fragile, more anxious than usual and most of all; not sure of who I am meant to be or destined to be.

As much as I’m trying to follow my heart and make my dreams a reality,
in this age, it’s difficult to not overthink the situation.

Writing is the one thing I am passionate about, I feel that I can speak volumes simply in a few sentences. Although a broken heart lead me down this path, I feel like I was meant to end up here anyway. Like, it was a destiny to evolve into this version of myself.

When you know, you just know, I guess.

It’s something indescribable, yet, it’s deep in your veins and your heart beats for it.

Dreams are the one piece of you that others can’t take away from you,
it’s a part of who you are and give you faith in your own choices.

Sometimes I get so lost in things, approval honestly becomes
my make or break point, and at times, I disappoint myself.

It shouldn’t be about who appreciates it, it should be about if YOU believe in it.
So don’t waste your life caring about other people’s opinion, start caring about YOURS.
I honestly believe that in order to succeed truly, is to always believe in your dreams.

Never take yourself for granted. Start living and creating for you.
Believe in your dreams and yourself; because otherwise, who will?

change is constant

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Who we are now is not who we will be in 5, even 10 years time.
Life is an ever-changing cycle, emotions are too, and you.

Continue reading “change is constant”

compassion starts with you

 

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Still hasn’t sunk in that it’s March already, time slips away the more I realize it.Continue reading “compassion starts with you”

tell-tale signs of inner change

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I found solace in the dark, more than I found loneliness in the corners of my mind
and that has always comforted me to an extent; yet nostalgia walks this road too
my faithful companion as usual, never too far away if and when I need a hand.

Depression is like the weather; it comes and it goes, leaving you in a state
of never knowing when it will break you next or if it will at all?

Suffering can be almost non-visible to the naked eye, but not to your soul
because you’ll always have that anxious, gut-wrenching instinct. I believe so.

Hard to describe, this really is. Seven years and I’m still lost in translation
of what it really means, or what it does to your state of mind.

But I am certain, it changes everything about you.