For Granted

I wrapped my thoughts in denial, thinking it would change the outcome.

To bite your tongue and accept the reality of things, I’ve always taken for granted.

Clarity in front of you, to seek your trust and guide you towards hope.

Just One Of Those Days…

Called the dental practice today. I have to call on Monday and try to schedule an emergency appointment because of my lower wisdom teeth gradually coming through.

I’ve had dental pain in the past, a few problems now and again, but nothing as uncomfortable and persistent like this. Not often do I reach for the ibuprofen tablets on the shelf, but sometimes you just have to. It’s just one of those things, I suppose, really…

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reckless heart

A loving heart can easily be destroyed, it can easily fall & break into a million pieces
I always play it off like it never matters, but it usually is a big part of why I am hurt.

You can state your own version of events & I will continue to think about mine.

Maybe, or perhaps – love is a fragile yet strong word to define, mostly it’s untouched
because, honestly; you can’t define what you truly do not understand in terms of depth.

I’ve never truly known what to do with it, do I play it cool or do I spill my emotions
and the very truth is, it’s hard knowing what to do when you’re lost enough as it is.

Mixed feelings are kind of like the shots I take to burn my feelings away, and literally.

I breathed you in like the oxygen I live for and now I’m basically living with my choice made
but ultimately, you can’t regret what made your life kind, even if it was temporary & bittersweet
I don’t regret but I do wish I had been more cautious in taking my time with you, as I’m now stuck.

breaking points

okdIt starts with a simple trigger, and it ends with an emotional cry of defeat. A passive-aggressive mechanism mastered from the years and pieces of you broken off like you’re society’s doll, robotic to emotion and numb from the chemical imbalance of one’s mind.

What you saw in movies, it became your illusion, the safety blanket you never had as a child, but eventually, the rose-colored lens faded, and you saw the world in all the disgusting hues of reality. Blue became associated with sadness & your lover’s eyes, red became nothing but a reminder of the blood you lost, and the love that decayed along with it.

I wish life was like it seemed when childhood nightmares were only the majority of life’s problems, you could breathe oxygen without being constantly clouded by the loss of your beloved, oh how tragic it felt at the time, but as time goes, you start to feel the hatred building like the blocks you had as a kid, ain’t it funny how tables can twist and turn?

 

triple threat

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Been so inspired today, it got me thinking about book ideas & what I want it all to be like.
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open letter to my 18 year old self

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Dear you,

It’s been a crazy time in life but it’s getting better each day, the chaos is still present but I know obstacles are there to help me face the fears I need to the most. I wish you were as confident as you are today, if only I knew the blossoming process of the heart would begin just after that specific moment in time. There’s been love, there’s been heartbreak, and most recently; the loss of the grandmother who shaped your heart into the one it is today. She’s at peace and no longer in pain and that’s what you should always remind yourself of in times of grief and sadness. It will hurt and the pain never truly goes away, but as you appreciate each day and each breath, you’ll be making her so proud way up from above.

Creativity wise, keep writing, never lose sight of your dreams and keep going until you reach that damn goal of yours. Poetry is not about what it brings you, but more about the joy it brings to write your heart out, regardless if you’re rambling or simply expressing.

Love on the other hand, is something you shouldn’t focus on too much right now. Focus on your own wellbeing before walking into the path of companionship. Appreciate the friends that have been there from day one and remember that life goes on no matter if someone leaves you or you leave them. I know you’re not in the right state of heart to love again, neither should you force yourself to be with someone for the sake of being in the company of anyone. Love at the right time, love the person who truly deserves you and let go of the ones who do not deserve your time and affection, because they don’t appreciate it, rather less than you originally had thought. Focus on you and you’ll be in a much happier place of mind because of it.

I thought writing this letter would be a good idea because I wish you knew how great life is and how good it can be, in the company of the right people and the family that loves you.

Life is a blossoming flower, for it to grow, you need to nurture the mind, feed the soul a lot of love and care, take care of the heart that beats for you and always appreciate each moment of life because you never know when it will end.

heaven took you home

On May 19th 2016, my world changed for the worst; my incredible, beloved grandmother Eila succumbed to her cancerous brain tumor as well as suspected organ failure. I was prepared for the days to come, as I had been told to prepare for the worst to happen but when it actually happened less than a night and a half later, you could say I was in shock, speechless, lost for words completely like any person would be. I miss her unconditionally.

To me, she wasn’t just a grandmother, she was a ray of sunshine on a cold autumn’s day, that breath of fresh air in the summer, that crisp snowflake falling from above, she was one of the most inspiring women I ever had the chance to know, although not for too long, but my memory of her will never fade, she’ll forever be in my heart, my guarding spirit.

I always knew this day would come, but when it would and how it would affect me, I never truly understood the depth of it all until I got that dreaded phone call. I froze, literally.

Can’t put it into words how amazing she was to me, how much she adored her family, she was the human definition of unconditional love and care, she had the most caring spirit I’ve ever known, kindness beyond words, a heart of gold regardless of circumstance, so it pains me when I have to talk about her in past tense, it absolutely breaks my heart to know that I’ll never get another hug from my dearest grandmother again.

She never once complained about the cancer that ultimately would take her last breath, and I never once witnessed her asking others for help, she was independent, vibrant and strong until she no longer could be, and I know that saddened her in more ways than anyone could imagine. Never thought I’d be writing something like this, but this is to honor my grandmother for the amazing human being she was, and I hope Heaven knows that it gained a beautiful angel with golden wings. She was my sunshine in the gray, and now my sky is empty without her glow.

RIP, Grandma. I will never forget you. I hope I make you proud.

 

a note of gratitude

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Life will always be a mix of good and bad, sometimes one can out-weigh the other and sometimes, the opposite can happen. But regardless, I think it’s vital for every person to appreciate what they have more than everything they don’t have at this present time.

I, particularly am grateful for the friends who have been there for me from the start, and for my insane family who keeps me pretty much as down-to-earth as a human being can get.

Also, a shout-out to the pain that made me rise, the heartbreaks that made me think twice, and the current situations which keep me at my toes at all times. If it wasn’t for the madness of life, I probably would still be stuck in a rut about things now, but I am progressing in life and making the most of every moment I have.

It’s too complicated having grudges, fears, insecurities.
I know this might be difficult but those shall pass and you will find a better day.
In awe at these past few days, I am happier than I’ve ever been,
and I am so happy to show it off and be proud.

Depression and anxiety have always kept me in this comfort zone for most of my life, so to break free from the chains that nobody else sees but me, it’s a huge sigh of relief. I know a few days back, I posted about my struggles, at the time I was begging for a miracle because I was so anxious and scared about so many things, my mind was all over the place in thought.

But it feels like a cloud has been lifted, I feel alive once again and that is something I haven’t felt in ages. I never felt alive, I felt like a numb zombie, I was constantly at war with myself. But now as I am on my way to become 21, I realize that the obstacles you face, you can walk over them and fight on like the strong person you are.

My advice to anyone is: never depend on people for happiness, expectations lead to disappointment, always follow your heart no matter what, believe in yourself and your potential in this world, and most importantly; take care of YOU.

poem: lunar closure

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I’ve cried with the moon and I’ve shined with the best of suns,
perhaps it’s my time to shine and fly with the best of them.

You were the departure I needed to see right through, a kiss to the stars
and my heart will be complete. I feel like I can breathe continuously.

A spark of darkness lets you break free, acceptance is an oath I sought to keep.

The pain was a step closer to freedom, introverted depth kept me from losing time;
and sustained my brain, for the glory in my path I had yet to reach within life.