Nostalgic Feelings


It’s such a strange feeling to miss people that you don’t talk to anymore.

Nostalgia is a bittersweet thing at times, but overall, I appreciate the ones I’ve known, and the people that I have yet to meet in life.

Getting older has taught me a lot about past experiences, and I think that has also changed my perspective on things in the current day.

Tonight’s post might not be as in-depth as the previous one, but maybe the next ones over the week will be a little bit more interesting.

I’m hoping to work on the next book of poetry soon, so fingers crossed.

Anyway, I need to get some rest, if I can sleep at all.

Mila. Xo

the day after

found myself writing a lot now, I don’t know if it’s out of guilt for abandoning my blog or if it’s because I have all these emotions I need to get out of my system in a decent expressive way.

I find myself rambling on, not caring if anyone gives a damn because the only opinion that should matter is my own, but at the same time, validation of my own words will always weigh heavy on my mind regardless.

if only I could live without a care in the world. there’s a lot of me I don’t show the people I love, the darker, the twisted parts of my personality that I simply hide between poetry and numbness.

I know it’ll never amount to complete and utter success, and that clichéd poets rarely find their mark on people’s lives, but my heart wants none but soul and heartfelt connection.

twenty

My last day of being 20, nearly heading off to 21. I find it bittersweet because my late grandfather’s birthday should have been today, and it’s officially a week since my grandmother passed away. I find time is never truly appreciated until it’s nearly gone
and since I lost her, time is something I pay attention to more than ever before, honestly.

It’s crazy how a loss such as this was a wake-up call for me and all of my family. I’ve been looking through childhood photos and I still can’t speak of her in past tense, it still hasn’t sunk in that I’ll never see her again. I guess sometimes we need a lot of rain to create a beautiful rainbow of hope. Sigh, nostalgia lane. Yeah, this isn’t exactly a great blog post but it’s something dear to my heart and I find myself forgetting that a lot of the time.

As of midnight, I’ll be taking a moment to remember my grandparents.
Sometimes, we all need that silence to clear our path and build upon life.

a poet never forgets

alexander-milov-love-4.jpg
Love, a sculpture by Alexandr Milov.

 

You might walk over memories like
a street, but I’ll cross it semi-consciously
wondering if I’d bump into you as I walk on my own,
gradually figuring out that life wasn’t built for two.

Continue reading “a poet never forgets”

ghost of your past

It began harmlessly enough, I never expected it to change my perspective of love,
but with all departures; will come sadness. Suddenly, you’re lost in the madness.

Had a charm for days, a smile that could make anyone’s stomach fill
with butterflies just from a simple look. It was muse at first glance
and as I look again on it, maybe it was meant to happen.

hopes

You gave me this vibe – a sentimental yet swiftly cold aura, I knew in my heart I’d place you in the depths of my heart. As much as I like to deny it for all it is worth, you truly got me struck with 3 words. From the hello that shaped our moments, to the silent goodbye-
and the spiral of repetition cycles, this was true; regardless of what you think of us now.

”Pistanthrophobia; the fear of trusting

Drove me mad, but kept me happy. Made me cry, yet you’re the rays of sun on my face,
we made a mess of our time, something we’ll never get back, but I’ll treasure this
and it doesn’t matter if we don’t ever speak again, having you once was enough.
I am not your only love, neither would I expect it from a heart of such charm
although it does get to me, how I’m now the ghost of your past.

black-and-white-happy-love-quote-Favim.com-894394

Surely, it must have meant the world to you at some point,
or maybe it did not- since you didn’t love me at first chance.

I wish I could understand your reasons for letting go,
because it’d bring me well-needed peace.

I can only hold on to the memories we built-
and the ones we never had the chance to.

unrequited emotion

When love hurts; it’s the real kind. I found myself saying that,
as I bit my tongue and patiently waited for tears to stop falling down.
I’ll be okay, you said. stupid enough, but I fell for that lie.

Years down the line, here I am. I feel more broken than ever and it’s all because I can’t seem to let go of past memories that now haunt my soul like a skeleton in the closet.

As the days turn into months and then so forth, you start to feel empty inside, like nothing could hurt you more because it’s already too painful. I trusted you when you said I’d be okay, that it was okay to feel like this as long as I knew it was going to get better.
I now found it all to be a complete lie. I found it wasn’t better, no improvement in the slightest and I feel like a fool for thinking I could believe you after your departure.

I’m sure everyone’s thinking the same; poor girl, having a pity celebration for days.
although, it was far worse; it was the definition of ice-cold hatred towards self.

Sure, they both are pretty much the same thing, but I guess it depends…

I’ve found solace in written drafts, hidden notes all over the web.
personally, it’s a relief to pour my emotions out in peace like this.
I know, I’m not the greatest writer or artistic creation – I’m a mess.

Honestly, poems are a loophole, a sense of belonging and unconditional support, something that will never just stand up and walk out the door, or tell you it doesn’t love you anymore, unlike the people who walk in and out of your life as if your existence is fading. I write to free my soul of pain, to feel the weight fall off my shoulders, just to feel alive once again. I’m sure it means little or nothing to others, but without my creativity, I’d most likely not be here anymore and that’s just how that is. I feel it completes me, strengthens me and helps me rise from the ashes no matter how badly I burn in the fire of the moment and the pain of old tragedies. Nostalgia finds itself around me still though.

As I write this, I overthink the concept without intent, I censor my mind to sound less of a crazy person than I already think I am. I judge my every word before anyone gets a chance, I find myself writing all the things my mind is thinking. I don’t know if that’s good or bad, neither do I even know the difference. but regardless, here I am; as bare and brutally honest as a person will ever be, sharing a piece of me I’d usually keep to myself.

Writing in general helps me cope, it’s the one thing I turn to in times of pain.

 

 

note to self & others:

We’ve survived another 365 days of endless mayhem & crazy moments,
as we end this year with a bang, we take a look down memory lane.

We remember all the moments that changed us, bettered us, hurt us.
& regardless, we are grateful; for those have made us stronger as a whole.

Although we have a long journey to go, we continue to grow as souls.

It’s been quite a year, some moments better than others,
perhaps a balance; of all things, strange & un-expected.

Personally, it’s been one hell of a realization for me, myself & I.
I’m grateful for everything though, it helped me discover a lot
and it makes me more eager to explore what’s next to come.

And to whoever has struggled this year: we’ve made it!
I’m so proud of anyone who has struggled & yet still fought on
it’s not easy to deal with our problems, it’s endless at times
but getting through it despite it all is an accomplishment.

With each year, we learn more about ourselves as a whole,
we discover parts of us we never knew existed
as well as finding strength we never knew we had.

This year has been full of risks, anxious moments,
self-loathing, overthinking, but we still made it through.

I have a good feeling about 2016 though, it’s kind of nice.

Happy New Year’s Eve, everyone!

I hope it’s a good one for you and even if it isn’t
then just know that you’re worth so much.

Stay strong, I love you all!

 

the heart has a mind, and it adores you

The faces are always you, by the looks of it, and I’m tired of pretending like I don’t love that, or the fact you make me ever so smitten, despite the amount of distance between us. It could be years from now and I’d still feel your hologram hand on my shoulder, flickering lights go off in my head and I am alive once again. The day you touched my soul, it turned gold. Memories live on inside of my mind and I don’t think I’ll ever want to forget your effect. As crazy as it seems, you’re a dream come to light, angels and demons would have a fight when it comes to your source of energy. It was a mix of good and bad, the kind of balance anyone would lean over for, would fight all their lives to gain just an ounce of. You see drugs on a table as a bad influence, but not the walking temptations that roam the streets, breaking the hearts of doomed souls for a laugh. Addictions can rise from a simple touch to a captivating smile. Anything or anyone can make you feel alive. Even your worst enemy can give you something you’ve never had, life is full of twists and turns, and we’ll never learn, because that’s a part of our lives, we make a mess, we make amends, but the heart stays true to it’s belief.

open letter to younger self

This was going to be just a blog full of poems, but I want this to be a mix of topics
& subjects in terms of writing. It’s not all about poetry, you know.

Writing is that addictive hint of mystery, clarity & history in the making.
It’s more than just getting your heart broken and putting thoughts to paper
but it feels like people forget sometimes, more than that
I know I forget the whole meaning of it from time & time
and it feels like a sin, if I can put it lightly.

Ever since I could, I’ve been writing & writing but never that good
& of course, the inspiration wasn’t something I looked for back then
but I definitely understood it more as I began my teenage years.

Looking back at my past work is sometimes a difficult task.

I find myself broken-hearted, anxious, scared & hurting once again
I’m in a simulation of the past; feeling all my fear coming back to life
all the memories flood back like a sea coming back & over the shore
there are things I like about it all, there are things I’d like to forget
& sometimes there are things I wish I could erase & paint a better memory.

But there’s a lot I’m grateful for, when it comes to this:

1. The struggles helped me change for the better.
2. I overcame my demons even though I struggle at times.
3. Fear no longer consumes me like it once did.

Those are only a few of the things, but I could definitely state more.

Sometimes we have to be lost in the dark in order to find our purpose.

 

 

dying for a touch of paradise

I simply can’t get you out of my head
& I wonder if I ever will at this point

a single thought of you drives me insane
with desire to kiss & tell about your soul

magnificent piece of art
whom consumes my mind