Saying goodbye is the hardest thing, especially when the person does not recognize who you are anymore and you could not communicate due to a language barrier that once didn’t exist, not to mention the distance between you and I for the longest of time. That’s what happened in the months before you left this Earth.
Today marks five years without the most loving, compassionate, selfless grandmother a young woman could ever have wished for. It feels just like yesterday when I got the call no one wants to get.
As much as I tried to prepare myself for this moment to arrive because I understood that it was inevitable, it was still one of the most painful moments of my life. Talking about this woman in the past-tense never gets easier, the first few years of grieving the loss, I truly felt numb, crying felt impossible because I was so in denial.
To this day, I cherish our last conversation. You said my name in such a delicate tone, you asked me how my day was, and you said you loved me.
Whenever I have a moment of sadness, or just a tough day in general, I think of you and I smile. You showed me what it means to be strong, your bravery and strength through it all was powerful beyond words, you are truly my hero, my guardian angel above, alongside the other beautiful souls who are up there with you.
What has also made me feel closer to my late grandmother is one of middle names, which is hers and it is right next to my first name, I really find comfort in that. And I also find comfort in faith, because my grandmother kept it near and dear to her heart all her life, until the end.
Immensely grateful for the years I got to know you, you’ll always be so important to me and remembered for your kind heart, nurturing nature and a lot more.
Grief can be such a wake-up call, it makes you appreciate life, love and family more than ever. Of course, bear in mind, the complexity will always be there, regardless of time.
Cherish the ones you love, be kind, take care of you and others and God bless you all.
Nostalgia and apathy, contradictory mix of the mind’s emotional response, and lack thereof. Workouts and staying productive takes the edge off to some extent.
I don’t know what’s worse, suppression of this reality or accepting that these thoughts and feelings exist?
Both are equally hard to navigate. If only I could articulate them into words and make art of it all. I always find it easier to write about darker subjects, or so it used to be.
Might look into writing submissions and story competitions, get my creativity in shape, as silly as that may sound. I understand you have to go with the flow, but my impatience can make that very difficult.
On a lighter note, I just realized that tomorrow marks three years since I published my second poetry collection via Blurb, A Cryptic Human Entity.
I can’t believe it, honestly. Three whole years tomorrow.
Will post a link to it on the next post, to commemorate this beautiful, precious moment in time. You can also find it quite easily online.
I do regret the lack of promotion when it first was published, but again, there was a lot going on in life the first months of it being out for the world to see.
That being said, I’ll always be proud of my work, regardless of who buys it or what happens next. For me, just holding the book in my hands was incredible and emotional.
Writing has always been a part of my life, something I hold near and dear to my heart and soul. I’m not the best at it, but I’ve still got a lot of learning and growing to do. My story is still being written as we speak.
It has gotten me through a lot of difficult times, so has this blog of mine too. It’s not just self-expression or art in written form, it’s therapy, a sanctuary.
I wasn’t sure if I felt like writing at all today, but I knew I’d feel better if I did. Tried my best to remain busy and productive, which I think I was successful with.
As the title states quite clearly: Nostalgia hurts.
Not always the case, might I add. But for me…it weighed heavy on my shoulders like a ton of bricks today, for a lot of reasons. There’s been a lot of personal development in terms of how I deal with this as it happens.
So, that’s at least one positive way to look at a complicated situation.
That being said, I’ve still felt struck by thoughts going a thousand miles per hour. If anything, it’s a lesson of life. Knowing how to explain this feeling in a structured manner proved difficult regardless.
Right now, I just want to focus on my writing, and enjoy the weekend to the best of my ability. Part of me wants to stay up late, the responsible part of me wants to rest and be up early in the morning.
Always a clash between the two, but I’ll leave it up to my intuition and see where it takes me. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
A peaceful day, hasn’t really consisted of much except cleaning and watching movies, but I’m cherishing every minute of it.
Sometimes you just need a day or two to get your energy back after a busy week.
It’s the simple yet rewarding moments of each day that I’m learning not to take for granted, because you never know when those will come to an end.
This is a bittersweet month for many reasons, and I’m definitely finding myself more emotional as the days go by. As the 19th marks five years without my grandmother; that’s one of the hardest things about May, and that date haunts me every month, it hurts despite knowing that she’s free of pain and suffering.
All that gives me comfort is that I have an incredible guardian angel in the sky, who looks after me from afar.
Looked at old notes earlier, that I previously wrote and saved to my phone and it’s kind of bittersweet. It’s not very often that I do that, mainly because I end up missing certain people.
Nostalgia is tough sometimes, some memories leave a lasting impression on your mind. Whether that’s good or bad, I don’t know.
Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all. That’s something I was told a while back, and it’s very true, at least for me.
Although, I do wish I had been slightly more mature than I was years ago, maybe it would have changed how things turned out. The “what if” still haunts me to this day.
Earlier tonight, I found myself wanting to reach out to someone in particular, who I haven’t spoken to in about three years, and a part of me has always wanted that person back in my life.
They were one of my closest friends, we had a complicated connection from the start, but I’ve always been curious about how things would be now, if we had remained close, especially since we’re both older and wiser.
Perhaps, in the near future, we’ll be able to reconnect.
Time definitely heals a lot, but not everything, as much as we would like for that to be reality. I feel like I’m starting to lose my train of thought now, so maybe I should leave it at this for the moment.
Need to get some sleep, but I’ll be back with another post tomorrow afternoon or late evening. Tomorrow is Friday, so glad.
Despite previous hesitation, I’ve decided to follow my instinct and go with my initial vision for poetry book number three. The book title was chosen all the way back in 2019, if I can remember correctly.
At first, I was planning to change the entire concept, but after today’s strange events and the analysis it triggered, it felt right, more than ever, to bring the first vision of this book to life.
I wanted this next project to be centered around healing, the positive changes that arise during a time of self-restoration and the importance of stepping away from unhealthy situations, people, your own personal insecurities and all of the other issues that we face as individuals.
However, in escaping my own comfort zone and talking about the more heavier, less idealistic scenarios and understanding the emotions that come along with it all, I now can feel a sense of peace in the fact that talking about it is part of my healing process and my way of moving forward.
I’m excited to go on this journey again, it’s been a while.
Knowing where to start is a different story, do I start writing first or constructing a book cover? Only time will tell.
Nonetheless, it feels like the right moment in time to begin, and I can’t wait to see what the final outcome of this will look like in the near future.
If hoarding emotions and thoughts was a skill, I’d be a professional at this point in time. Hoping it will become easier as months goes by, and all of that.
To be honest, my writing has definitely impacted somewhat. You analyze yourself and others too much, as well as your surroundings and patterns.
Hard to believe we’re almost two weeks into the New Year, I’ve had a semi-productive timeline as of recent. It’ll pick up eventually, and so will the motivation and inspiration to do bigger and better things with my mind.
Reflection is good, to some extent. Just don’t overdo it, you’ll thank me later.
There is a lot I have to learn, and accept about myself. Bad habits, that one might need to take a second look at. A lot of books I want to read, places I want to visit and appreciate. Nostalgia seems to have hit me , ever so discreetly.
It’s also nearly four years without my grandmother, I am always in disbelief about this. Feels like yesterday when I held her hand, that last smile has replayed in my mind, more times than I can count. Her strength through it all has definitely played a major part. All I want to do is make my guardian angel proud.
Today felt slightly peculiar. I was nostalgic for a moment or two, longing for a familiar face that no longer co-exists on my path. You could say that I was speechless, perhaps taken aback of the memories that were flashing before my eyes. Out of all times to feel such a sudden, yet emotive pull. People often dare say that I; There must be something off with you.
My heart is a chord you often strike, like a puppet to their master, I am yours to manipulate in any which way. A collection of thoughts, that have a mind of their own. They see home in hollow bed sheets and in lustful perfume. They see home inside of you.
Tonight felt, awkwardly the same. I was always ashamed to admit that I loved you, but in the sense that love goes as it came. Perhaps, as I like to often say; There is something off with you, but I’d like to know more, about the you in the archive of dreams. Within arms.