memories

Lasting Memory Of You

Saying goodbye is the hardest thing, especially when the person does not recognize who you are anymore and you could not communicate due to a language barrier that once didn’t exist, not to mention the distance between you and I for the longest of time. That’s what happened in the months before you left this Earth.

Today marks five years without the most loving, compassionate, selfless grandmother a young woman could ever have wished for. It feels just like yesterday when I got the call no one wants to get.

As much as I tried to prepare myself for this moment to arrive because I understood that it was inevitable, it was still one of the most painful moments of my life. Talking about this woman in the past-tense never gets easier, the first few years of grieving the loss, I truly felt numb, crying felt impossible because I was so in denial.

To this day, I cherish our last conversation. You said my name in such a delicate tone, you asked me how my day was, and you said you loved me.

Whenever I have a moment of sadness, or just a tough day in general, I think of you and I smile. You showed me what it means to be strong, your bravery and strength through it all was powerful beyond words, you are truly my hero, my guardian angel above, alongside the other beautiful souls who are up there with you.

What has also made me feel closer to my late grandmother is one of middle names, which is hers and it is right next to my first name, I really find comfort in that. And I also find comfort in faith, because my grandmother kept it near and dear to her heart all her life, until the end.

Immensely grateful for the years I got to know you, you’ll always be so important to me and remembered for your kind heart, nurturing nature and a lot more.

Grief can be such a wake-up call, it makes you appreciate life, love and family more than ever. Of course, bear in mind, the complexity will always be there, regardless of time.

Cherish the ones you love, be kind, take care of you and others and God bless you all.

Mila. Xo

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Sunday Solitude

After some needed rest, time to eat and unwind, I wanted to get on the blog and talk for a minute.

Writing late wasn’t what I had in mind for today, but at least I am writing.

I truly wish the weekend would last longer, it feels so short.

Sunday has still been good, cooking and gathering my thoughts ahead of the new week starting.

Got hair lightener in my hair currently, so going to bed is probably not going to happen anytime soon.

Been so nostalgic from music too, heard songs that reminded me of better times, a different space.

Listening to songs that you haven’t heard in years can be so bittersweet.

It’s even worse when it reminds you of people you don’t speak to anymore, and the places you used to live.

All that aside, life is a journey.

Have a good Sunday.

Mila. Xo

Peace Of Mind: Grief And Time

Today is a bittersweet day to write anything, let alone process the emotions that are running through my head at the moment. But, since it is the third anniversary of my grandmother’s passing, I wanted to write something – anything, really.

Just recently, it was also my blog’s 4th year of being active (May 13th), and my domain name was 2 years old on the date also. And then, my second poetry book, A Cryptic Human Entity, that was self-published on May 16th of 2018, which makes it a year and three days old now.

It’s taken me a long time to find the time to sit down and write like I used to.

These past few months have definitely taken a toll on me, and the ones around me. It has been one obstacle after the other. For someone who doesn’t like even the slightest amount of confrontation, this was more troubling than anything else.

A lot has been achieved, however. Things people never thought was possible of me. And I will continue to fight on and move forward.

I truly want to thank the people in my life as of late, for giving me the strength and courage to stare fear in the face and deal with it, firsthand.

Truth be told, I have dealt with my fair share of struggles, and to this day, I still do. We all have our individual issues in life, and that’s reality.

Soon enough, I hope to be writing more consistently and frequently, but for the time being, it’s just not possible.

This blog is my sanctuary, a place I find peace and inspiration. With the help of faith and love, I am sure that things will improve, and I will be able to articulate what my heart is going through, at a later date.

And also, my birthday is later this month, which I look forward to, oddly enough.

I just wish my grandmother was here to see my progress. There’s not a day where I don’t miss her presence. She was one of the most inspiring women I have ever had the chance to know. My heart is still in disbelief over the loss, as if a piece of me was lost on the day she passed on.

But, I know in my heart, that her soul lives on, and her legacy will never be forgotten. She’ll always be with me, and I just hope that I can make her proud from above.

Death might seem like a morbid subject to some, but it is an inevitable fate, that we all will encounter at some point in life, we just don’t know when that will be.

So, live your lives to the fullest. Cherish the people who love you and the ones who don’t love you, embrace them too. Just stay true to yourself and remember, that with each door that closes, another one opens.

Peace and Love,

Mila.

Cold Weather And Not Enough Sweaters, Life Is Complicated

Maybe it’s just me, or the world has simply become much colder and less pleasant. As if that wasn’t already the case for most of us human creatures.

I was going to post something last night, as it was International Women’s Day, but my brain just could not for the life of me write anything of necessary use. So, I apologize wholeheartedly for that.

Since we’re being honest, I must admit, writing at all has been a massive challenge recently. For some reason, it just doesn’t fit into my life at the moment.

A lot of reasons, most of them personal. Might open up on a later date, but I’ll try and see where it leads.

Updating the blog often is what I am hoping to do, in the next few months. Especially as I start on the new book project and start putting that together.

It is such a journey, all these emotions that come and go, and the people that are seemingly attached to different memories of mine.

Nostalgia petrifies me at times. That need to forget or accept the circumstances of our current state.

May your night be full of love and light.

Mila xo

It Takes You Home

When I was little, I spent a lot of quality time with my grandmother.

She used to knit, whilst I cut up old pieces of clothing to sew together a little cotton bag for myself, or two.

Looking back on it now, it truly sinks in, the realization that you’re gone.

No longer do I see, the smile that lit up the room. Your loving words of encouragement as I began to blossom, like the butterflies in your garden.

Our moments, I cherish more than I ever knew my heart could. This is the reality of losing you.

How Does One Truly Let Go?

The intuitive aspect of unrequited love is clear as day, but the urge to hear from you seems to be clouding my ability to focus. I think I’m more scared of the reaction than I am of anything else.

 

 

Although, I must admit, being here has brought a lot of memories back, like I kind of knew in my heart that it would. Not completely tragic, but it does make me realize what I lost.

 

 

Not sure why it’s so emotive all of a sudden. And I usually keep my thoughts to myself, which is the kind of person I’ve always been, yet tonight it’s been on my mind so much, the need to write was heavier than usual. Excuse the perhaps repetitive nature of my blogging as of recently.

 

 

Next week, I’m sure I’ll be back to my usual self. But until then, I’ll just keep writing until it’s all out of my system for the time being. If only you could turn back the clock and alter the mistakes you made.

Losing You Was My Mistake, An Open Letter To An Old Love

After years of wishing to be present at this place, I’m finally here, in what seemed like the longest mission.

But the sad part is, you’re not part of the equation. You’d probably freak out if you knew, or perhaps that’s just me worrying about your reaction.

Being here is odd, wonderful yet strange. We haven’t spoken in over a year, calling you would probably be a bad idea, so I’m pushing my feelings aside and spilling my emotions here instead.

To be honest or just keep thoughts closed, the question spinning inside my mind.

I want to say what I feel, but at the same time, talking on impulse is never a good scenario when your emotions are on full speed.

People always did say that I was a little too vocal about this dear heart of mine, and without too much thought, ended up alienating myself from the ones I cared about the most.

Ultimately, the person on the wrong side of things was me, despite my denials and trials.

Because of my personal insecurities and stupid ways, I lost an important person in my life, someone who stood by me during the hardest moments, not because I deserved it, but because they cared unconditionally.

That’s what I regret the most, losing you.

And it’s not that I desire things to be back to how they were, or how they should have been, but I cannot deny the fact that I miss the friend I knew and loved, and still do.

PS: You’re a bright star in a dim world.

mind struck a nerve

I had this need to write out my feelings on here and I hope you don’t mind.

Well, my brain is at war with my heart, clearly, because nostalgia has crept into my thoughts again, it’s heavy and demanding. 

Right now it’s four in the morning, and perhaps the lonely hour is upon us, which reminds me of previous late night discussions between me and an old friend; someone who ultimately became a ghost in the shadows. 

The point of this post is, there isn’t one. 

I have no clue as to why I need to express myself in the middle of the night. 

Maybe it’s the longing to see your eyes the minute I wake up in the coming hours, or just the sense of knowing you’re present. To know everything will be fine in the end, that you’ll be here to cushion the impact.

To say that I miss you is an understatement. To say that I didn’t wish for a second chance to know you is greater.

But life can be a bitter lemon, and sometimes, it’s an apple you can sink your teeth into.

Be careful with your heart, but love as if you’ve never been hurt before. Follow your heart, dreams, instinct, gut feeling.

We only have this life; cherish every moment.

a poem for the soul

In life, it feels like the superficial reality of it poisons our system
I never understood what seemed wonderful about lying to yourself.

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