loss

Grief Is Complicated

Note: Just so you know, this post is about grief and the complex nature of dealing with loss, I’ve tried to articulate my thoughts in a way that is not upsetting. I could have written more, but perhaps for another day instead.


Reading about heavy subjects definitely makes you sit down and think, noting all the things you should be grateful for. It’s so incredibly sad when you hear about people losing their battle with an illness, that has affected them for many years.

Can’t begin to imagine what it must feel like, seeing a loved one suffer in such a way. Well, in one way, I do feel their pain. Having witnessed the inevitable decline of a beloved relative, it breaks my heart when others have to go through the same.

Grief is complicated, the emptiness it leaves you with. I know passing on to the other side is something that will happen to all of us as life goes forward, but it’s still never easy to fully accept or understand.

When I lost my wonderful grandmother in May 2016, it was a shock to the system. I knew her time on Earth was slowly coming to an end, but I had no idea how that would affect me, how I’d feel or cope.

All I know is, there’s a guardian angel watching over me now.


Mila. Xo

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Cluttered Set Of Emotions

If hoarding emotions and thoughts was a skill, I’d be a professional at this point in time. Hoping it will become easier as months goes by, and all of that.

To be honest, my writing has definitely impacted somewhat. You analyze yourself and others too much, as well as your surroundings and patterns.

Hard to believe we’re almost two weeks into the New Year, I’ve had a semi-productive timeline as of recent. It’ll pick up eventually, and so will the motivation and inspiration to do bigger and better things with my mind.

Reflection is good, to some extent. Just don’t overdo it, you’ll thank me later.

There is a lot I have to learn, and accept about myself. Bad habits, that one might need to take a second look at. A lot of books I want to read, places I want to visit and appreciate. Nostalgia seems to have hit me , ever so discreetly.

It’s also nearly four years without my grandmother, I am always in disbelief about this. Feels like yesterday when I held her hand, that last smile has replayed in my mind, more times than I can count. Her strength through it all has definitely played a major part. All I want to do is make my guardian angel proud.

Corners Of The Mind

Grief is such a complex thing to deal with. One minute, you’re absolutely fine, and the next, you could easily find yourself in a melancholy state.

There is never a day where I don’t miss my grandmother, and I do wish that she was still on this Earth.

She’s in a better place now, something I have to bear in mind, each time I feel like this.

Peace Of Mind: Grief And Time

Today is a bittersweet day to write anything, let alone process the emotions that are running through my head at the moment. But, since it is the third anniversary of my grandmother’s passing, I wanted to write something – anything, really.

Just recently, it was also my blog’s 4th year of being active (May 13th), and my domain name was 2 years old on the date also. And then, my second poetry book, A Cryptic Human Entity, that was self-published on May 16th of 2018, which makes it a year and three days old now.

It’s taken me a long time to find the time to sit down and write like I used to.

These past few months have definitely taken a toll on me, and the ones around me. It has been one obstacle after the other. For someone who doesn’t like even the slightest amount of confrontation, this was more troubling than anything else.

A lot has been achieved, however. Things people never thought was possible of me. And I will continue to fight on and move forward.

I truly want to thank the people in my life as of late, for giving me the strength and courage to stare fear in the face and deal with it, firsthand.

Truth be told, I have dealt with my fair share of struggles, and to this day, I still do. We all have our individual issues in life, and that’s reality.

Soon enough, I hope to be writing more consistently and frequently, but for the time being, it’s just not possible.

This blog is my sanctuary, a place I find peace and inspiration. With the help of faith and love, I am sure that things will improve, and I will be able to articulate what my heart is going through, at a later date.

And also, my birthday is later this month, which I look forward to, oddly enough.

I just wish my grandmother was here to see my progress. There’s not a day where I don’t miss her presence. She was one of the most inspiring women I have ever had the chance to know. My heart is still in disbelief over the loss, as if a piece of me was lost on the day she passed on.

But, I know in my heart, that her soul lives on, and her legacy will never be forgotten. She’ll always be with me, and I just hope that I can make her proud from above.

Death might seem like a morbid subject to some, but it is an inevitable fate, that we all will encounter at some point in life, we just don’t know when that will be.

So, live your lives to the fullest. Cherish the people who love you and the ones who don’t love you, embrace them too. Just stay true to yourself and remember, that with each door that closes, another one opens.

Peace and Love,

Mila.

It Takes You Home

When I was little, I spent a lot of quality time with my grandmother.

She used to knit, whilst I cut up old pieces of clothing to sew together a little cotton bag for myself, or two.

Looking back on it now, it truly sinks in, the realization that you’re gone.

No longer do I see, the smile that lit up the room. Your loving words of encouragement as I began to blossom, like the butterflies in your garden.

Our moments, I cherish more than I ever knew my heart could. This is the reality of losing you.

Poem For My Guardian Angel

Within my heart
Your soul can reside

You were an angel
Before your time

Yet there’s a difference now
You’ve gained your wings

So fly, my angel, fly high
May your soul be at peace

breaking points

okdIt starts with a simple trigger, and it ends with an emotional cry of defeat. A passive-aggressive mechanism mastered from the years and pieces of you broken off like you’re society’s doll, robotic to emotion and numb from the chemical imbalance of one’s mind.

What you saw in movies, it became your illusion, the safety blanket you never had as a child, but eventually, the rose-colored lens faded, and you saw the world in all the disgusting hues of reality. Blue became associated with sadness & your lover’s eyes, red became nothing but a reminder of the blood you lost, and the love that decayed along with it.

I wish life was like it seemed when childhood nightmares were only the majority of life’s problems, you could breathe oxygen without being constantly clouded by the loss of your beloved, oh how tragic it felt at the time, but as time goes, you start to feel the hatred building like the blocks you had as a kid, ain’t it funny how tables can twist and turn?

 

open letter to my 18 year old self

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Dear you,

It’s been a crazy time in life but it’s getting better each day, the chaos is still present but I know obstacles are there to help me face the fears I need to the most. I wish you were as confident as you are today, if only I knew the blossoming process of the heart would begin just after that specific moment in time. There’s been love, there’s been heartbreak, and most recently; the loss of the grandmother who shaped your heart into the one it is today. She’s at peace and no longer in pain and that’s what you should always remind yourself of in times of grief and sadness. It will hurt and the pain never truly goes away, but as you appreciate each day and each breath, you’ll be making her so proud way up from above.

Creativity wise, keep writing, never lose sight of your dreams and keep going until you reach that damn goal of yours. Poetry is not about what it brings you, but more about the joy it brings to write your heart out, regardless if you’re rambling or simply expressing.

Love on the other hand, is something you shouldn’t focus on too much right now. Focus on your own wellbeing before walking into the path of companionship. Appreciate the friends that have been there from day one and remember that life goes on no matter if someone leaves you or you leave them. I know you’re not in the right state of heart to love again, neither should you force yourself to be with someone for the sake of being in the company of anyone. Love at the right time, love the person who truly deserves you and let go of the ones who do not deserve your time and affection, because they don’t appreciate it, rather less than you originally had thought. Focus on you and you’ll be in a much happier place of mind because of it.

I thought writing this letter would be a good idea because I wish you knew how great life is and how good it can be, in the company of the right people and the family that loves you.

Life is a blossoming flower, for it to grow, you need to nurture the mind, feed the soul a lot of love and care, take care of the heart that beats for you and always appreciate each moment of life because you never know when it will end.

heaven took you home

On May 19th 2016, my world changed for the worst; my incredible, beloved grandmother Eila succumbed to her cancerous brain tumor as well as suspected organ failure. I was prepared for the days to come, as I had been told to prepare for the worst to happen but when it actually happened less than a night and a half later, you could say I was in shock, speechless, lost for words completely like any person would be. I miss her unconditionally.

To me, she wasn’t just a grandmother, she was a ray of sunshine on a cold autumn’s day, that breath of fresh air in the summer, that crisp snowflake falling from above, she was one of the most inspiring women I ever had the chance to know, although not for too long, but my memory of her will never fade, she’ll forever be in my heart, my guarding spirit.

I always knew this day would come, but when it would and how it would affect me, I never truly understood the depth of it all until I got that dreaded phone call. I froze, literally.

Can’t put it into words how amazing she was to me, how much she adored her family, she was the human definition of unconditional love and care, she had the most caring spirit I’ve ever known, kindness beyond words, a heart of gold regardless of circumstance, so it pains me when I have to talk about her in past tense, it absolutely breaks my heart to know that I’ll never get another hug from my dearest grandmother again.

She never once complained about the cancer that ultimately would take her last breath, and I never once witnessed her asking others for help, she was independent, vibrant and strong until she no longer could be, and I know that saddened her in more ways than anyone could imagine. Never thought I’d be writing something like this, but this is to honor my grandmother for the amazing human being she was, and I hope Heaven knows that it gained a beautiful angel with golden wings. She was my sunshine in the gray, and now my sky is empty without her glow.

RIP, Grandma. I will never forget you. I hope I make you proud.

 

crying purple

prince-holding

I have to write a tribute tonight, simply because this man was like none other,
in ways that cannot be put into words even in the slightest. I still can’t believe I have to describe his impact in past tense. 2016 has been the year of loss for music.

His passing is a gigantic loss for the music industry, and the artists who now mourn a legend. I have loved Prince’s records ever since I was a little girl, my dad always played
his songs wherever he had the chance. The whole family adored his music, in fact.

I think today was the first time I’ve actually seen my dad break down.

He was incredibly influenced and always will be by Prince,
so his passing definitely has an effect on the whole of his life onwards.

I, myself, completely in denial over all of this, I kind of am refusing to accept it.
As much as I know that life can end in less than a moment, it still never fails to hurt my-
heart when someone of his incredible talent just leaves the present world like this.

He was a timeless, selfless, one-of-a-kind human being, who was more than his voice, he was something unique, there will never be another like him. There will be artists and musicians, but none will compare to the one and only; Prince.

I truly wish I could have witnessed his greatness in person, it would have been an honor.

RIP Prince, you blessed us with your love of music.

Crying purple for the loss of you. Xo