Saying goodbye is the hardest thing, especially when the person does not recognize who you are anymore and you could not communicate due to a language barrier that once didn’t exist, not to mention the distance between you and I for the longest of time. That’s what happened in the months before you left this Earth.
Today marks five years without the most loving, compassionate, selfless grandmother a young woman could ever have wished for. It feels just like yesterday when I got the call no one wants to get.
As much as I tried to prepare myself for this moment to arrive because I understood that it was inevitable, it was still one of the most painful moments of my life. Talking about this woman in the past-tense never gets easier, the first few years of grieving the loss, I truly felt numb, crying felt impossible because I was so in denial.
To this day, I cherish our last conversation. You said my name in such a delicate tone, you asked me how my day was, and you said you loved me.
Whenever I have a moment of sadness, or just a tough day in general, I think of you and I smile. You showed me what it means to be strong, your bravery and strength through it all was powerful beyond words, you are truly my hero, my guardian angel above, alongside the other beautiful souls who are up there with you.
What has also made me feel closer to my late grandmother is one of middle names, which is hers and it is right next to my first name, I really find comfort in that. And I also find comfort in faith, because my grandmother kept it near and dear to her heart all her life, until the end.
Immensely grateful for the years I got to know you, you’ll always be so important to me and remembered for your kind heart, nurturing nature and a lot more.
Grief can be such a wake-up call, it makes you appreciate life, love and family more than ever. Of course, bear in mind, the complexity will always be there, regardless of time.
Cherish the ones you love, be kind, take care of you and others and God bless you all.
I’m personally conflicted on how to feel about tomorrow, grief is complex, that’s just the reality of it. There’s definitely a lot more to talk about on the day and I will be dedicating the next post to my late grandmother.
To think that it has been five years (tomorrow) is so unreal, it truly does make you realize the importance of family. I’ll honestly never forget that phone call.
All you can do is try and find comfort in knowing the person is no longer in pain and free of the suffering. Regardless of how long it’s been or how short, loss is loss. Grief will always be there with you.
What I do want to do as time goes on, is celebrate that person’s life and all the wonderful memories we shared. I’m sure that they would have wanted that.
Anyway, life is precious, don’t take it for granted, and just live each day to the fullest. That’s something I am trying to, as difficult as that can be at times.
Nostalgia and apathy, contradictory mix of the mind’s emotional response, and lack thereof. Workouts and staying productive takes the edge off to some extent.
I don’t know what’s worse, suppression of this reality or accepting that these thoughts and feelings exist?
Both are equally hard to navigate. If only I could articulate them into words and make art of it all. I always find it easier to write about darker subjects, or so it used to be.
Might look into writing submissions and story competitions, get my creativity in shape, as silly as that may sound. I understand you have to go with the flow, but my impatience can make that very difficult.
On a lighter note, I just realized that tomorrow marks three years since I published my second poetry collection via Blurb, A Cryptic Human Entity.
I can’t believe it, honestly. Three whole years tomorrow.
Will post a link to it on the next post, to commemorate this beautiful, precious moment in time. You can also find it quite easily online.
I do regret the lack of promotion when it first was published, but again, there was a lot going on in life the first months of it being out for the world to see.
That being said, I’ll always be proud of my work, regardless of who buys it or what happens next. For me, just holding the book in my hands was incredible and emotional.
Writing has always been a part of my life, something I hold near and dear to my heart and soul. I’m not the best at it, but I’ve still got a lot of learning and growing to do. My story is still being written as we speak.
It has gotten me through a lot of difficult times, so has this blog of mine too. It’s not just self-expression or art in written form, it’s therapy, a sanctuary.
I wasn’t sure if I felt like writing at all today, but I knew I’d feel better if I did. Tried my best to remain busy and productive, which I think I was successful with.
As the title states quite clearly: Nostalgia hurts.
Not always the case, might I add. But for me…it weighed heavy on my shoulders like a ton of bricks today, for a lot of reasons. There’s been a lot of personal development in terms of how I deal with this as it happens.
So, that’s at least one positive way to look at a complicated situation.
That being said, I’ve still felt struck by thoughts going a thousand miles per hour. If anything, it’s a lesson of life. Knowing how to explain this feeling in a structured manner proved difficult regardless.
Right now, I just want to focus on my writing, and enjoy the weekend to the best of my ability. Part of me wants to stay up late, the responsible part of me wants to rest and be up early in the morning.
Always a clash between the two, but I’ll leave it up to my intuition and see where it takes me. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.