I’m feeling quite anxious today, and I have to get up super early tomorrow morning to accomplish some uncomfortable tasks, mainly phone calls that I really don’t want to make, but I have to. It’s not necessarily a big deal, although my overthinking brain says otherwise.
Just want to get this over and done with, I know I’ll feel better once it’s sorted. For the rest of the evening, I’m just trying to unwind and relax, which is easier said than done, in my opinion.
Anyway, to end the post on a slight more positive note, I wanted to express my gratitude to my family and friends, who are the best support system a young woman could have in life.
Cursed Is The Girl
People always used to tell me, that a creative child usually becomes a troubled adult.
Well, I used to dismiss the theory. It seemed cliché to me, at least, during my teenage years.
Maybe, that was the denial talking. I’ve always wanted to get down to the root cause, but there has been many examples of it.
I often find myself too involved, the mind can play tricks if you allow it, but it can also help you untangle past behaviors, patterns that seem to align, things you simply can’t shake off.
If my brain was an internal drive, which in many ways, it is, I doubt it would be in a solid state.
As technology progresses, I hope it evolves in a way that changes lives and enhances their sense of knowledge in more ways than just one or the other.
The other thing I find myself worrying about, is the high expectations on my shoulders and the validation that comes along with it, or lack of, if I’m honest.
Caged Dreams, Hidden Ambitions
To have an ambitious heart, full of hopes and dreams, it is a pity that I’m full of these fears about the future.
As obvious as it might be, trying to distance yourself from them is a lot harder than meets the eye.
The easy way would probably be to blank them out until the denial kicks in, and you believe your own misguided words.
Or, to acknowledge the way you feel and how these fears make you feel or react – equally petrifying, in my opinion.
Existence & Purpose
When you lose your identity in the recycling bin, how do you find that part of you again?
I’m beginning to think, I have a long way to go.
Ever since I can remember, I associated my willingness to help others as my main source of purpose.
On this journey, I have come to understand everything a lot clearer.
It’s hard to articulate this in a way that wouldn’t offend. I’ve suppressed it all to the point where I just go along with the chaos. I don’t like it, even freaks me out most days. Back in the day, this blog was my only sanctuary for all these thoughts. It still is, but to a lesser extent.
To share is one thing, it’s one of the only things that make sense anymore.
Everything else is a blank, quite honestly. I could write a book about this, my mind is an abyss of thought, a lot of it has never been fully dissected nor processed.
To say that I am currently lost in the archive is an understatement. There’s so much I have yet to learn, to see, to experience.
I often wonder, what is my purpose, guide me to where I am meant to stand.
Is this modern world for an old soul like mine? Who knows.
Anyway, excuse the rambling. This is the first blog post where I haven’t been feeling empty. Let’s hope the new decade brings a lot of better days.
I always find myself writing late at night. There’s something about the peace and solitude that comes with it.
To be honest, writing consistently again has been a joy. I certainly do hope that it continues.
For some reason, it’s easier to get all your thoughts down in the hours where you should be getting sleep.
I’m not necessarily the kind to have insomnia, but at certain moments, the aftermath of it all does take a toll. At other times, I honestly have never felt better in my entire life.
The complexity of my mind is something I have come to embrace and cherish. As the years have gone by, and I’ve matured and seen things in a different light, from a new perspective, it has taught me a lot about my surroundings, and about my own individual self.
It’s kind of true, hardships do make you feel stronger in the long run. Life can be a challenge, and if anything, I’m ready for it now.
The only way to conquer your fears is to face them. I’m determined to face all of mine, at a steady pace. And I’ll do so, with my faith and clarity in hand.
For anyone who’s up late, I’m with you on that one.
Love, Mila. Xo
Peace Of Mind: Grief And Time
Today is a bittersweet day to write anything, let alone process the emotions that are running through my head at the moment. But, since it is the third anniversary of my grandmother’s passing, I wanted to write something – anything, really.
Just recently, it was also my blog’s 4th year of being active (May 13th), and my domain name was 2 years old on the date also. And then, my second poetry book, A Cryptic Human Entity, that was self-published on May 16th of 2018, which makes it a year and three days old now.
It’s taken me a long time to find the time to sit down and write like I used to.
These past few months have definitely taken a toll on me, and the ones around me. It has been one obstacle after the other. For someone who doesn’t like even the slightest amount of confrontation, this was more troubling than anything else.
A lot has been achieved, however. Things people never thought was possible of me. And I will continue to fight on and move forward.
I truly want to thank the people in my life as of late, for giving me the strength and courage to stare fear in the face and deal with it, firsthand.
Truth be told, I have dealt with my fair share of struggles, and to this day, I still do. We all have our individual issues in life, and that’s reality.
Soon enough, I hope to be writing more consistently and frequently, but for the time being, it’s just not possible.
This blog is my sanctuary, a place I find peace and inspiration. With the help of faith and love, I am sure that things will improve, and I will be able to articulate what my heart is going through, at a later date.
And also, my birthday is later this month, which I look forward to, oddly enough.
I just wish my grandmother was here to see my progress. There’s not a day where I don’t miss her presence. She was one of the most inspiring women I have ever had the chance to know. My heart is still in disbelief over the loss, as if a piece of me was lost on the day she passed on.
But, I know in my heart, that her soul lives on, and her legacy will never be forgotten. She’ll always be with me, and I just hope that I can make her proud from above.
Death might seem like a morbid subject to some, but it is an inevitable fate, that we all will encounter at some point in life, we just don’t know when that will be.
So, live your lives to the fullest. Cherish the people who love you and the ones who don’t love you, embrace them too. Just stay true to yourself and remember, that with each door that closes, another one opens.
Peace and Love,
I wrapped my thoughts in denial, thinking it would change the outcome.
To bite your tongue and accept the reality of things, I’ve always taken for granted.
Clarity in front of you, to seek your trust and guide you towards hope.
Fragile Aspects Of Life
Life is nothing like we envisioned, as little children. We’ve been taught to believe that we’re just a puzzle piece to place, another foundation to lay.
Our state of mind crumbles, as we see the world for what it is. Disguised as a flaw, seen as a weakness.
Instead of encouraging one another, we have been programmed to function, in a different manner.
We’re motivated by our greed, the pressure to succeed is inevitably a weight on our shoulders.
If only some of us had the voice or the courage to break the stigma, once and for all. But of course, talking about taboo subjects is another challenge, in place.
Anyone who does, I’m forever intrigued and inspired by you.
Hours That Follow, A Poem Draft From Book #3
There’s something about the midnight hour, I can’t understand how it works, or if it calms my soul enough to heal my battle wounds.
Either way, it builds my core, to the point of nausea. You push yourself to the edge and somehow recover, just to fall back on your word again.
It’s a continuous cycle, the same routine of thought, as time leads you on a journey.
You can either hide in denial, or confront your darkest personality traits in depth.
To cut ties with fear of abandonment, a need for approval; Am I losing touch with reality or am I too aware of my own weaknesses and destructive mindset?
It takes a lot to admit defeat, and admit that you’re a broken individual.
So for the time being, love your fellow entities that surround the halls of your mind. For the present hour, cherish the hours that follow.
Be fearless, love the obstacles that test you. Kill the fear that haunts your path.
Free the mind, cure the anxiety of not knowing what’s going to happen next.
Obstacles…Where Do I Begin?
It’s Mila here, with a new blog post to share, finally.
Haven’t been posting a lot in recent months, I try and not clog up your feeds with too much emotive rambling, or heavy ranting…although, I have been tempted enough times.