Balancing Life Out

Wasn’t meant to post so late, but I didn’t have a chance to until now.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t tired, and I look forward to getting some sleep. But honestly, I’ve got an exam in two days which is making me so nervous.

Anyway, I’ll leave it at that for the time being. Hope you all have a great day!

Mila. Xo

Scared To Fail

We all have our fears, and those moments of being scared to fail. Whether it’s work related, academically or any other challenge we face as life progresses on.

Truth be told, people achieve things at different stages of life, and that’s okay. We don’t all have it figured out at 18, 25, or even in our 30’s.

In the society we currently find ourselves a part of, we’ve been conditioned to believe that success is measured in the superficial, idealistic and materialistic.

Yes, some might be more knowledgeable, confident and perhaps better equipped than others. But it doesn’t mean that other people’s contribution as a whole is not as important.

The idea that we’re only worthy of a decent life if we work more hours than our mind can handle, and we look a certain way, act a certain way. Keeping up appearances might be sustainable in the short-term, but the facade of it all will come crashing down, eventually.

Don’t even get me started on how much I can’t stand the hypocrisy of equality and the lack of it in society. We have a lot of laws in place about treating people fairly, but so much of it is just empty words at this point.

Nothing is ever what it appears to be, I know that much.

Different rules apply for different people, which has been in plain sight for many years. We have a long way to go until we achieve any kind of fairness in the world. There’s a lot to work on, and only time will tell how that goes.

When some people say “reality is stranger than fiction”, it’s safe to say, you’re right. If the world needs more of anything, I can think of quite a few things.

The world needs more compassion, fairness, love, empathy, kindness.

I just hope humanity changes for the better.

Mila. Xo

Ahead Of Time

One last minute entry on the blog before I completely forget to update it.

Sat here on my bed, ticking things off my list. I don’t know why, but my mind goes into overdrive when I know there’s certain places to go, people to see.

This next week is going to be a lot, although I’m sure things will get easier in time.

Yet another weekend too, how fun. Let’s hope this one doesn’t end as soon as it starts.

Happy Friday!

Mila. Xo

Clean Slate For A New Day

Another one of those nights where I seem to stay up writing in the last minute because not doing so would feel absurd.

Today’s blog entry might be a little short and more spontaneous, but I’m working on it as we speak.

Almost midnight, yet I’m finding it difficult to hibernate for the night. I’ll sleep soon, I promise.

The day has been relatively balanced, with hints of anxiety here and there, in which my inner response was: I had to simply concentrate on other things.

A clean slate for a new day, I tell myself.

My birthday is in two days, almost one if I think about it. It’s a strange feeling, getting older. You learn a lot, or at least in my own experiences.

The more my blog grows and blossoms, I can’t help but feel immense gratitude for the ones who have supported me along the way. It shows me that I’m doing something right, despite how small the achievement might look like currently.

So thank you, for being such a light in my life. And as always, have a beautiful day, or night, depending on where you are in the world.

Mila. Xo

Paint Monday Blue

When things don’t quite go to plan, your stress levels can go through the roof if you’re not careful. At least, that’s how it felt for me today.

Monday felt particularly blue, so I definitely made an effort to be kind to myself. It can be easy to get overwhelmed by our thoughts in the moment, experienced that one too many times in my life.

I actually found myself buying a self-help audiobook out of curiosity about how to manage emotions in times of feeling this way. That was certainly helpful, hearing other people’s experiences and what helps them balance it all out.

Easier said than done, as I’m sure a lot of people will say about this too.

If the past year has taught me anything, it’s that looking after yourself and your mental health is so important. When you nurture your mind, your body and your soul, everything else will fall into place, eventually.

Mila. Xo

Final Week Of Being 25

What began as a great start to this became a slight nightmare.

I personally just want a good night’s sleep so I can feel better. And to think I’m a year older in a week, not very fun to think about.

Too much of a good thing can make it seem inevitable that an unpleasant situation is just a few steps away.

But, have a wonderful evening and I’ll try and be more upbeat tomorrow. Sleep well!

Mila. Xo

Lasting Memory Of You

Saying goodbye is the hardest thing, especially when the person does not recognize who you are anymore and you could not communicate due to a language barrier that once didn’t exist, not to mention the distance between you and I for the longest of time. That’s what happened in the months before you left this Earth.

Today marks five years without the most loving, compassionate, selfless grandmother a young woman could ever have wished for. It feels just like yesterday when I got the call no one wants to get.

As much as I tried to prepare myself for this moment to arrive because I understood that it was inevitable, it was still one of the most painful moments of my life. Talking about this woman in the past-tense never gets easier, the first few years of grieving the loss, I truly felt numb, crying felt impossible because I was so in denial.

To this day, I cherish our last conversation. You said my name in such a delicate tone, you asked me how my day was, and you said you loved me.

Whenever I have a moment of sadness, or just a tough day in general, I think of you and I smile. You showed me what it means to be strong, your bravery and strength through it all was powerful beyond words, you are truly my hero, my guardian angel above, alongside the other beautiful souls who are up there with you.

What has also made me feel closer to my late grandmother is one of middle names, which is hers and it is right next to my first name, I really find comfort in that. And I also find comfort in faith, because my grandmother kept it near and dear to her heart all her life, until the end.

Immensely grateful for the years I got to know you, you’ll always be so important to me and remembered for your kind heart, nurturing nature and a lot more.

Grief can be such a wake-up call, it makes you appreciate life, love and family more than ever. Of course, bear in mind, the complexity will always be there, regardless of time.

Cherish the ones you love, be kind, take care of you and others and God bless you all.

Mila. Xo

Bittersweet Tomorrow

I’m personally conflicted on how to feel about tomorrow, grief is complex, that’s just the reality of it. There’s definitely a lot more to talk about on the day and I will be dedicating the next post to my late grandmother.

To think that it has been five years (tomorrow) is so unreal, it truly does make you realize the importance of family. I’ll honestly never forget that phone call.

All you can do is try and find comfort in knowing the person is no longer in pain and free of the suffering. Regardless of how long it’s been or how short, loss is loss. Grief will always be there with you.

What I do want to do as time goes on, is celebrate that person’s life and all the wonderful memories we shared. I’m sure that they would have wanted that.

Anyway, life is precious, don’t take it for granted, and just live each day to the fullest. That’s something I am trying to, as difficult as that can be at times.

Take care of you and others, be kind.

Mila. Xo

Three Years: Poetry Book Anniversary

This will be a slightly different entry on the blog, which I’m slightly nervous about. I rarely do this, if ever, but I’ll be sharing the links to both of my little poetry collections at the end of this post, to celebrate the third anniversary of my second writing project, A Cryptic Human Entity.

It’s been a journey, a lot has been going on since then, not necessarily of the creative sense, although, I look forward to the next chapter of my writing’s progression/era.

A Cryptic Human Entity in particular, that collection means a lot to me. It was the first time I’d felt brave enough to show a lot of poems that were darker, many of which I always wanted to make public in some way.

When that project was being created, I was still coming to terms with the passing of my grandmother almost two years prior, there were a lot of suppressed emotions and feelings. I definitely wanted to get out of my comfort zone, no matter how uncomfortable it made me feel.

It was an emotional experience, but so liberating at the same time.

Hard to believe it’s been three years already. I still remember how happy I felt receiving my copies of the finished product in the mail. I’ll never forget that moment.

Said this many times before, but I do understand that I’m not the best at writing, yet I will say that I write for me, first and foremost. If anyone likes it at all, it’ll always be so appreciated.

I’ve spent too long seeking approval from others, and the older I get, the more I am finding confidence and acceptance within myself. I am a work in progress, and so are my thoughts, feelings, emotions and poetry/stories.

As mentioned at the beginning of this post, I’ll leave the links to A Cryptic Human Entity & Lay Your Hands Bare down below, feel free to take a look (or not) and thank you in advance.

https://www.blurb.co.uk/b/8737840-a-cryptic-human-entity
https://www.blurb.co.uk/b/8193531-lay-your-hands-bare

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Happy Sunday!

Mila. Xo

Temporary Distractions

Nostalgia and apathy, contradictory mix of the mind’s emotional response, and lack thereof. Workouts and staying productive takes the edge off to some extent.

I don’t know what’s worse, suppression of this reality or accepting that these thoughts and feelings exist?

Both are equally hard to navigate. If only I could articulate them into words and make art of it all. I always find it easier to write about darker subjects, or so it used to be.

Might look into writing submissions and story competitions, get my creativity in shape, as silly as that may sound. I understand you have to go with the flow, but my impatience can make that very difficult.

On a lighter note, I just realized that tomorrow marks three years since I published my second poetry collection via Blurb, A Cryptic Human Entity.

I can’t believe it, honestly. Three whole years tomorrow.

Will post a link to it on the next post, to commemorate this beautiful, precious moment in time. You can also find it quite easily online.

I do regret the lack of promotion when it first was published, but again, there was a lot going on in life the first months of it being out for the world to see.

That being said, I’ll always be proud of my work, regardless of who buys it or what happens next. For me, just holding the book in my hands was incredible and emotional.

Writing has always been a part of my life, something I hold near and dear to my heart and soul. I’m not the best at it, but I’ve still got a lot of learning and growing to do. My story is still being written as we speak.

It has gotten me through a lot of difficult times, so has this blog of mine too. It’s not just self-expression or art in written form, it’s therapy, a sanctuary.

Mila. Xo