depression

The Broken People Are Still Worthy

People have strong points and weaknesses. It’s not a crime to feel happy or sad and it’s not wrong to feel the emotion that we do.

This is what makes us human, even vulnerable at times. But it should never define you as a person.

Often enough, people like to point out that I don’t have a job, even though there’s a personal reason why, that my anxiety was and still is just another word for “lazy”, and that my depressive tendencies were an excuse to stay locked inside my own thoughts.

But the truth is, some people find a twisted pleasure in my failed attempts of independence. When something goes wrong or I personally feel terrible, it’s their joy in life.

I’m a known introvert, perhaps a social outcast, definitely a loser in some people’s eyes. But, there’s always a reason for my melancholy state of mind. Of course, it’s easier to judge me than display compassion.

All I can say is, a person’s pain is not something to laugh at. We all have different situations and complicated lives.

Listen to your family, cherish the loyal friends in your life, have long talks with the ones you know and love. Don’t abuse trust for a minute of gossip.

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the pros and cons of being a people pleaser

People often say that being selfless is good, as long as you’re not being taken advantage of. Most times, people are grateful and that’s all fine and dandy for the majority.

But soon enough, you start to see a pattern of change in the ones who have become quite accustomed to the idea of you always lending a hand, which brings me to say…

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words and more words

Don’t know what is worse, emotional pain, verbal or physical? They’re all pretty disheartening for a person to bear, let alone feel. At some points, it feels like it will never go away and other times, you think you’re getting better but it’s all an illusion of sorts.

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ego’s in the sand

Two blog posts in a short time, never thought it would happen in 2016 but hello.
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a poem for the soul

In life, it feels like the superficial reality of it poisons our system
I never understood what seemed wonderful about lying to yourself.

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breaking points

okdIt starts with a simple trigger, and it ends with an emotional cry of defeat. A passive-aggressive mechanism mastered from the years and pieces of you broken off like you’re society’s doll, robotic to emotion and numb from the chemical imbalance of one’s mind.

What you saw in movies, it became your illusion, the safety blanket you never had as a child, but eventually, the rose-colored lens faded, and you saw the world in all the disgusting hues of reality. Blue became associated with sadness & your lover’s eyes, red became nothing but a reminder of the blood you lost, and the love that decayed along with it.

I wish life was like it seemed when childhood nightmares were only the majority of life’s problems, you could breathe oxygen without being constantly clouded by the loss of your beloved, oh how tragic it felt at the time, but as time goes, you start to feel the hatred building like the blocks you had as a kid, ain’t it funny how tables can twist and turn?

 

the day after

found myself writing a lot now, I don’t know if it’s out of guilt for abandoning my blog or if it’s because I have all these emotions I need to get out of my system in a decent expressive way.

I find myself rambling on, not caring if anyone gives a damn because the only opinion that should matter is my own, but at the same time, validation of my own words will always weigh heavy on my mind regardless.

if only I could live without a care in the world. there’s a lot of me I don’t show the people I love, the darker, the twisted parts of my personality that I simply hide between poetry and numbness.

I know it’ll never amount to complete and utter success, and that clichéd poets rarely find their mark on people’s lives, but my heart wants none but soul and heartfelt connection.

open letter to my 18 year old self

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Dear you,

It’s been a crazy time in life but it’s getting better each day, the chaos is still present but I know obstacles are there to help me face the fears I need to the most. I wish you were as confident as you are today, if only I knew the blossoming process of the heart would begin just after that specific moment in time. There’s been love, there’s been heartbreak, and most recently; the loss of the grandmother who shaped your heart into the one it is today. She’s at peace and no longer in pain and that’s what you should always remind yourself of in times of grief and sadness. It will hurt and the pain never truly goes away, but as you appreciate each day and each breath, you’ll be making her so proud way up from above.

Creativity wise, keep writing, never lose sight of your dreams and keep going until you reach that damn goal of yours. Poetry is not about what it brings you, but more about the joy it brings to write your heart out, regardless if you’re rambling or simply expressing.

Love on the other hand, is something you shouldn’t focus on too much right now. Focus on your own wellbeing before walking into the path of companionship. Appreciate the friends that have been there from day one and remember that life goes on no matter if someone leaves you or you leave them. I know you’re not in the right state of heart to love again, neither should you force yourself to be with someone for the sake of being in the company of anyone. Love at the right time, love the person who truly deserves you and let go of the ones who do not deserve your time and affection, because they don’t appreciate it, rather less than you originally had thought. Focus on you and you’ll be in a much happier place of mind because of it.

I thought writing this letter would be a good idea because I wish you knew how great life is and how good it can be, in the company of the right people and the family that loves you.

Life is a blossoming flower, for it to grow, you need to nurture the mind, feed the soul a lot of love and care, take care of the heart that beats for you and always appreciate each moment of life because you never know when it will end.

a note of gratitude

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Life will always be a mix of good and bad, sometimes one can out-weigh the other and sometimes, the opposite can happen. But regardless, I think it’s vital for every person to appreciate what they have more than everything they don’t have at this present time.

I, particularly am grateful for the friends who have been there for me from the start, and for my insane family who keeps me pretty much as down-to-earth as a human being can get.

Also, a shout-out to the pain that made me rise, the heartbreaks that made me think twice, and the current situations which keep me at my toes at all times. If it wasn’t for the madness of life, I probably would still be stuck in a rut about things now, but I am progressing in life and making the most of every moment I have.

It’s too complicated having grudges, fears, insecurities.
I know this might be difficult but those shall pass and you will find a better day.
In awe at these past few days, I am happier than I’ve ever been,
and I am so happy to show it off and be proud.

Depression and anxiety have always kept me in this comfort zone for most of my life, so to break free from the chains that nobody else sees but me, it’s a huge sigh of relief. I know a few days back, I posted about my struggles, at the time I was begging for a miracle because I was so anxious and scared about so many things, my mind was all over the place in thought.

But it feels like a cloud has been lifted, I feel alive once again and that is something I haven’t felt in ages. I never felt alive, I felt like a numb zombie, I was constantly at war with myself. But now as I am on my way to become 21, I realize that the obstacles you face, you can walk over them and fight on like the strong person you are.

My advice to anyone is: never depend on people for happiness, expectations lead to disappointment, always follow your heart no matter what, believe in yourself and your potential in this world, and most importantly; take care of YOU.

cavities and anxiety

I made so much progress at the start of my journey, but as I took one step back, so did my progress in terms of anxiety. It’s something I’ve battled with and suffered from quite a few years now, but the battle; it never truly ends, no matter what anyone says or thinks.

It’s pretty much like depression, except you’re anything but numb to the fact that it triggers automatically as soon as you want to go out, eat in public, or even simply want to take a walk outside and appreciate the oxygen we breathe and the roads we walk in this life.

Must admit, I thought I was over it when I had the courage to walk alone, stay out late, and didn’t worry about the small things that used to bother the hell out of me, regardless of what. But the truth is, it was in placebo effect mode, and now as I think about it, everything starts making sense. I wasn’t making progress, anything but that.

Denial and winning is two different things, and I was not the winner of this battle yet, I was still on the road to recovery of self and control. I wish it were merely a light-switch.