conflicted

Late Evening Outlet

Past eleven in the evening now, and I’ve only just begun writing this up. There’s been a lot of conflicting thoughts in this last week about a lot of things.

As much as I love the weekend and being able to preserve my energy for the next week ahead, I can’t help but wonder how certain people are doing at this moment.

Haven’t heard from them in a while, which is out of character, regardless of circumstances. I just hope that they’re okay and reach out soon.

It’s tough being so far away from some people. I suppose, all you can do is stay positive, when possible.

But aside from that, I genuinely want to express my gratitude for the people in my life. They truly make my life better in many ways.

Mila. Xo

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What If I Lose My Creativity?

From an early age, I found a sanctuary in writing stuff down, not knowing if I would end up regretting doing so or being thankful that I ultimately did.

It’s not just about being creative, but having a passion for what you’re creating. In recent years, I’ve noticed a decline in motivation, particularly when it comes to writing, and that is very disheartening to witness, first-hand.

From being the young girl who couldn’t stop writing, to barely writing at all, it’s a very gradual yet abrupt shock to the system. The conflicted emotions I have about this come and go. Some days, I’m less critical of my lack of creative drive. Other times, it feels like a part of me is lost and trying to find myself again.

Yes, I update my blog on a daily basis, but sometimes, I don’t even feel like doing that. Not because I don’t like it anymore, and it’s kind of hard to explain as to why it has changed so much.

Things change as you get older, possibly. And truth be told, my old teenage self was slightly less emotionally filtered, more prone to saying too much in a way.

Has that changed as I’ve gotten older? Of course, to some extent. I genuinely try to think before I speak, you need to have some kind of boundary with yourself. Ensuring that what you’re putting out there is appropriate.

Before 2021 comes to an end, it is a goal of mine to begin the process of writing for my third poetry book, at least complete some part of it. I’m not entirely sure when I’ll manage to publish it, that depends on where I am at in my writing journey and what my instinct is telling me.

I’ve said this before too, being an introvert who loves to express herself is contradictory. Getting out of this shell is proving more difficult than I could have imagined.

There’s many factors and obstacles to overcome in my journey to becoming the best version of myself, in more ways than one.

Every journey varies, person to person. We’re all trying to figure things out. It’s just that, for some of us, it will take more time and I have to accept this.

This is a longer post than usual, but when you have inspiration in your heart to talk about something important, why waste the opportunity?

As always, I hope everyone is doing well and having a great day.
However, if not, just know that you are enough.

Mila. Xo

Out Of Place

Societal pressures and the irony of so-called “encouragement” when it comes to being your authentic self is a lot for anyone.

Feeling out of place can weigh heavy on your mind. We’re told our differences make us unique, and that humanity is evolving and becoming more equal, but is it really?

The hypocrisy of it all. If I’m being completely honest, not much has changed.

Yes, there’s been improvements along the way, but we have a long way to go until the world is a more equal, kind place.

Toxicity is all around us; the places we work, the people we know. As much as I strive to be enthusiastic, there comes a time where you see it all for how it is.

It’s so confusing to live in a world where individuality is either praised or not accepted.

When all you want is to just be you, but other people make that so difficult.

The game of life is hard to play, you never know what’s going to happen next. All you can do is hope that it will all be okay.

One day, the puzzle pieces will fall into place and maybe, a bit of peace will come from that.

Who knows. Anyway, I hope I’m not rambling, although this was something I wanted to talk about today.

Hope you’re all doing well.

Mila. Xo

Temporary Distractions

Nostalgia and apathy, contradictory mix of the mind’s emotional response, and lack thereof. Workouts and staying productive takes the edge off to some extent.

I don’t know what’s worse, suppression of this reality or accepting that these thoughts and feelings exist?

Both are equally hard to navigate. If only I could articulate them into words and make art of it all. I always find it easier to write about darker subjects, or so it used to be.

Might look into writing submissions and story competitions, get my creativity in shape, as silly as that may sound. I understand you have to go with the flow, but my impatience can make that very difficult.

On a lighter note, I just realized that tomorrow marks three years since I published my second poetry collection via Blurb, A Cryptic Human Entity.

I can’t believe it, honestly. Three whole years tomorrow.

Will post a link to it on the next post, to commemorate this beautiful, precious moment in time. You can also find it quite easily online.

I do regret the lack of promotion when it first was published, but again, there was a lot going on in life the first months of it being out for the world to see.

That being said, I’ll always be proud of my work, regardless of who buys it or what happens next. For me, just holding the book in my hands was incredible and emotional.

Writing has always been a part of my life, something I hold near and dear to my heart and soul. I’m not the best at it, but I’ve still got a lot of learning and growing to do. My story is still being written as we speak.

It has gotten me through a lot of difficult times, so has this blog of mine too. It’s not just self-expression or art in written form, it’s therapy, a sanctuary.

Mila. Xo