Starting a new month on the weekend is always fun, yet strange in the way that you almost lose track of which day it is.
Nonetheless, I’m trying to appreciate the time I have to destress and get stuff done. Luckily, there’s not much to do, a very positive thing if I must say say so myself.
Plus, it’s a Bank Holiday weekend, so three days instead of two.
This is one of those months where I’m kind of stuck in the middle, emotionally. Many great things to be grateful for, although I miss my late grandmother terribly during this time.
For that reason, the 19th hurts to think about. And my birthday is a week and a day later, so celebrating that feels awkward, but I know my grandmother is in a better place, and she lived a long and unique life, one of the most inspiring women I have ever known to exist, in my eyes.
Grief is hard to navigate, even now, almost five years on.
Our guardian angels are protecting us from above, I know that much by now. And so is the Lord, he works in mysterious ways to guide us and strengthen us.
May is around the corner, and I don’t quite know what to make of this fact.
It’s a bittersweet month, for many reasons. I both dread and look forward to it, if that makes sense at all?
Complicated person over here, trying to work all of life out, one step/day at a time. Honestly glad the weekend is here though, I can sleep a lot, eat good food and hopefully write more poems and blog posts.
All I’ve managed to collect and write down is titles for things, creatively speaking. Got a lot on my mind, so that doesn’t help.
To be consistently productive is something I truly want to be, but for the past few days, I’ve been feeling quite the opposite. It might have to do with my overthinking, to some extent. However, it does vary depending on what I have to do on that particular day.
I’ve struggled with feeling anxious for a long time, although over the years, I do think that I have kept it under control for the most part. It all ties together with past trauma, life has always been slightly chaotic.
Getting older and finding peace within yourself definitely helps a lot, but there are moments where I do feel overwhelmed. We all have our good days and bad days.
This is something I’m honest about, always have been. Suppressing how you feel is not healthy, sometimes it is the only way to function properly. All of these things are complex, but on a positive note, I genuinely feel like I am in a better mindset, overall. Things are not always easy, but nothing ever is.
Found my motivation lacking a little today, but apart from that, it’s all good.
Might spend the whole night writing, browsing the web for inspiration as I need some right now. Perhaps it’s a good time to start work on the book currently in progress.
Been putting it off for too long.
My concentration is not as good as it once was, one of those things, I suppose. Anyway, I’m rambling now. This happens quite often, although I try and make any post on here meaningful, as complicated as my mind can be sometimes.
The idea that you need to have your life together at a certain time, a certain age, it can all be too much to think about sometimes. We grow up with these idealistic views of what success looks like, what a perfect world entails.
At the young age of 25, I feel increasingly worried about the future. Have I done enough at this age? Am I the odd one out?
It’s not as easy as people think, becoming an overnight success, finding the perfect job, having a perfect forever home. As a whole, society’s standards are difficult to live up to.
Taught to be ourselves, yet persecuted for our differences, our insecurities used as a weapon, people don’t listen to understand, there’s a lack of equality despite all these supposed regulations put in place, to protect us from discrimination, bullying, sexism, racism and many more.
I understand life is not a straightforward experience for the majority of people, but when does it all become too much? And don’t even get me started on the stigma surrounding mental health and the simple yet complex task of asking for help when necessary.
Fake it ’til you make it, or so I’ve been told about a dozen times or more.
Turning a blind eye to your problems is a temporary fix, ignoring them won’t solve anything. Facing them is equally challenging, but the comfort you feel once you do so is a sense of relief, a burden off your shoulders.
Life will get tougher before it gets better, I’m sure.
I just hope the future is much brighter than it has been in these recent weeks, months, even years. After all, you never know what to expect.
As much as I am grateful for life as it is today, I can’t help but wonder about what could have been in another outcome of events. I know, it’s kind of ridiculous at this point.
But sometimes, your mind just wants to know.
When you have to discuss certain parts of your life, I suppose the curious side of you emerges.
I’ve learned a lot about my past over the last few years or so. Suppressing your feelings about it is a temporary solution. Such a complex journey, yet I do believe that I have found closure as a result.
We can’t change our pasts, unfortunately. As tough as that is for someone like me in moments like this, all I can do is acknowledge it, process it to the best of my ability and accept it.
That’s easier said than done, ultimately.
As I get older, I do hope that things start to make a little more sense.
Well, maybe I’ll write a book about it, or perhaps a novel of some kind. That’s something I hope to do in my later years. We’ll see if it happens.
Stay safe, and I hope you all have a wonderful evening.