ego’s in the sand

Two blog posts in a short time, never thought it would happen in 2016 but hello.
Continue reading “ego’s in the sand”

bad poetry is still poetry

 

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Continue reading “bad poetry is still poetry”

poetry lanes

I rarely talk about the poems or the ideas I have for my book, much of which
I have yet to figure out for myself and my creative flow. Continue reading “poetry lanes”

what getting older taught me about life

Today, I would like to discuss something that I’ve always been passionate speaking about.
It’s about how getting older taught me valuable lessons in life, past & presently as well.

For most people, life begins as soon as you start breathing.
Mostly, it’s true and I agree with certain parts to an extent.
However, I felt like it didn’t truly begin until I was old enough to
understand the difference between living and existing, that’s when I
felt my life really started making sense, for the first time in my whole existence.

It sounds a little far-fetched, and perhaps that’s how I see it,
but the definition of life is different for everyone and I can’t even say that
enough times. In my personal experience, what getting older taught me the most is
that life is never as complicated as we might imagine it’d be.
And I say this in my own experience of it, not anyone else’s.
Anyway…getting older taught me to always respect the ones present in life
(except the ones who least deserve it, I let them go) and to never take anything
for granted because the existence of life is never guaranteed. In this age of time,
some of us forget how fragile life is in reality, and how easily it can be taken away
without a single thought. I know this because I lost my dear grandmother this year.
Getting older also helped me learn many valuable lessons,
such as, never count the days in which you live, but count the amount of good energy
that surrounds it, and the amount of wonderful moments created in that space of time.
For me, poetry was always the shoulder to cry on, the support always needed,
which is a big reason why I am putting together a book of poems from my heart,
creating good out of bad experiences, memories I’d rather forget and so forth.
It makes the work more authentic and personal in that sense.‎

the day after

found myself writing a lot now, I don’t know if it’s out of guilt for abandoning my blog or if it’s because I have all these emotions I need to get out of my system in a decent expressive way.

I find myself rambling on, not caring if anyone gives a damn because the only opinion that should matter is my own, but at the same time, validation of my own words will always weigh heavy on my mind regardless.

if only I could live without a care in the world. there’s a lot of me I don’t show the people I love, the darker, the twisted parts of my personality that I simply hide between poetry and numbness.

I know it’ll never amount to complete and utter success, and that clichéd poets rarely find their mark on people’s lives, but my heart wants none but soul and heartfelt connection.

twenty

My last day of being 20, nearly heading off to 21. I find it bittersweet because my late grandfather’s birthday should have been today, and it’s officially a week since my grandmother passed away. I find time is never truly appreciated until it’s nearly gone
and since I lost her, time is something I pay attention to more than ever before, honestly.

It’s crazy how a loss such as this was a wake-up call for me and all of my family. I’ve been looking through childhood photos and I still can’t speak of her in past tense, it still hasn’t sunk in that I’ll never see her again. I guess sometimes we need a lot of rain to create a beautiful rainbow of hope. Sigh, nostalgia lane. Yeah, this isn’t exactly a great blog post but it’s something dear to my heart and I find myself forgetting that a lot of the time.

As of midnight, I’ll be taking a moment to remember my grandparents.
Sometimes, we all need that silence to clear our path and build upon life.

heaven took you home

On May 19th 2016, my world changed for the worst; my incredible, beloved grandmother Eila succumbed to her cancerous brain tumor as well as suspected organ failure. I was prepared for the days to come, as I had been told to prepare for the worst to happen but when it actually happened less than a night and a half later, you could say I was in shock, speechless, lost for words completely like any person would be. I miss her unconditionally.

To me, she wasn’t just a grandmother, she was a ray of sunshine on a cold autumn’s day, that breath of fresh air in the summer, that crisp snowflake falling from above, she was one of the most inspiring women I ever had the chance to know, although not for too long, but my memory of her will never fade, she’ll forever be in my heart, my guarding spirit.

I always knew this day would come, but when it would and how it would affect me, I never truly understood the depth of it all until I got that dreaded phone call. I froze, literally.

Can’t put it into words how amazing she was to me, how much she adored her family, she was the human definition of unconditional love and care, she had the most caring spirit I’ve ever known, kindness beyond words, a heart of gold regardless of circumstance, so it pains me when I have to talk about her in past tense, it absolutely breaks my heart to know that I’ll never get another hug from my dearest grandmother again.

She never once complained about the cancer that ultimately would take her last breath, and I never once witnessed her asking others for help, she was independent, vibrant and strong until she no longer could be, and I know that saddened her in more ways than anyone could imagine. Never thought I’d be writing something like this, but this is to honor my grandmother for the amazing human being she was, and I hope Heaven knows that it gained a beautiful angel with golden wings. She was my sunshine in the gray, and now my sky is empty without her glow.

RIP, Grandma. I will never forget you. I hope I make you proud.

 

cavities and anxiety

I made so much progress at the start of my journey, but as I took one step back, so did my progress in terms of anxiety. It’s something I’ve battled with and suffered from quite a few years now, but the battle; it never truly ends, no matter what anyone says or thinks.

It’s pretty much like depression, except you’re anything but numb to the fact that it triggers automatically as soon as you want to go out, eat in public, or even simply want to take a walk outside and appreciate the oxygen we breathe and the roads we walk in this life.

Must admit, I thought I was over it when I had the courage to walk alone, stay out late, and didn’t worry about the small things that used to bother the hell out of me, regardless of what. But the truth is, it was in placebo effect mode, and now as I think about it, everything starts making sense. I wasn’t making progress, anything but that.

Denial and winning is two different things, and I was not the winner of this battle yet, I was still on the road to recovery of self and control. I wish it were merely a light-switch.

poem: lunar closure

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I’ve cried with the moon and I’ve shined with the best of suns,
perhaps it’s my time to shine and fly with the best of them.

You were the departure I needed to see right through, a kiss to the stars
and my heart will be complete. I feel like I can breathe continuously.

A spark of darkness lets you break free, acceptance is an oath I sought to keep.

The pain was a step closer to freedom, introverted depth kept me from losing time;
and sustained my brain, for the glory in my path I had yet to reach within life.

crying purple

prince-holding

I have to write a tribute tonight, simply because this man was like none other,
in ways that cannot be put into words even in the slightest. I still can’t believe I have to describe his impact in past tense. 2016 has been the year of loss for music.

His passing is a gigantic loss for the music industry, and the artists who now mourn a legend. I have loved Prince’s records ever since I was a little girl, my dad always played
his songs wherever he had the chance. The whole family adored his music, in fact.

I think today was the first time I’ve actually seen my dad break down.

He was incredibly influenced and always will be by Prince,
so his passing definitely has an effect on the whole of his life onwards.

I, myself, completely in denial over all of this, I kind of am refusing to accept it.
As much as I know that life can end in less than a moment, it still never fails to hurt my-
heart when someone of his incredible talent just leaves the present world like this.

He was a timeless, selfless, one-of-a-kind human being, who was more than his voice, he was something unique, there will never be another like him. There will be artists and musicians, but none will compare to the one and only; Prince.

I truly wish I could have witnessed his greatness in person, it would have been an honor.

RIP Prince, you blessed us with your love of music.

Crying purple for the loss of you. Xo