Saying goodbye is the hardest thing, especially when the person does not recognize who you are anymore and you could not communicate due to a language barrier that once didn’t exist, not to mention the distance between you and I for the longest of time. That’s what happened in the months before you left this Earth.
Today marks five years without the most loving, compassionate, selfless grandmother a young woman could ever have wished for. It feels just like yesterday when I got the call no one wants to get.
As much as I tried to prepare myself for this moment to arrive because I understood that it was inevitable, it was still one of the most painful moments of my life. Talking about this woman in the past-tense never gets easier, the first few years of grieving the loss, I truly felt numb, crying felt impossible because I was so in denial.
To this day, I cherish our last conversation. You said my name in such a delicate tone, you asked me how my day was, and you said you loved me.
Whenever I have a moment of sadness, or just a tough day in general, I think of you and I smile. You showed me what it means to be strong, your bravery and strength through it all was powerful beyond words, you are truly my hero, my guardian angel above, alongside the other beautiful souls who are up there with you.
What has also made me feel closer to my late grandmother is one of middle names, which is hers and it is right next to my first name, I really find comfort in that. And I also find comfort in faith, because my grandmother kept it near and dear to her heart all her life, until the end.
Immensely grateful for the years I got to know you, you’ll always be so important to me and remembered for your kind heart, nurturing nature and a lot more.
Grief can be such a wake-up call, it makes you appreciate life, love and family more than ever. Of course, bear in mind, the complexity will always be there, regardless of time.
Cherish the ones you love, be kind, take care of you and others and God bless you all.
I’m personally conflicted on how to feel about tomorrow, grief is complex, that’s just the reality of it. There’s definitely a lot more to talk about on the day and I will be dedicating the next post to my late grandmother.
To think that it has been five years (tomorrow) is so unreal, it truly does make you realize the importance of family. I’ll honestly never forget that phone call.
All you can do is try and find comfort in knowing the person is no longer in pain and free of the suffering. Regardless of how long it’s been or how short, loss is loss. Grief will always be there with you.
What I do want to do as time goes on, is celebrate that person’s life and all the wonderful memories we shared. I’m sure that they would have wanted that.
Anyway, life is precious, don’t take it for granted, and just live each day to the fullest. That’s something I am trying to, as difficult as that can be at times.
Nostalgia and apathy, contradictory mix of the mind’s emotional response, and lack thereof. Workouts and staying productive takes the edge off to some extent.
I don’t know what’s worse, suppression of this reality or accepting that these thoughts and feelings exist?
Both are equally hard to navigate. If only I could articulate them into words and make art of it all. I always find it easier to write about darker subjects, or so it used to be.
Might look into writing submissions and story competitions, get my creativity in shape, as silly as that may sound. I understand you have to go with the flow, but my impatience can make that very difficult.
On a lighter note, I just realized that tomorrow marks three years since I published my second poetry collection via Blurb, A Cryptic Human Entity.
I can’t believe it, honestly. Three whole years tomorrow.
Will post a link to it on the next post, to commemorate this beautiful, precious moment in time. You can also find it quite easily online.
I do regret the lack of promotion when it first was published, but again, there was a lot going on in life the first months of it being out for the world to see.
That being said, I’ll always be proud of my work, regardless of who buys it or what happens next. For me, just holding the book in my hands was incredible and emotional.
Writing has always been a part of my life, something I hold near and dear to my heart and soul. I’m not the best at it, but I’ve still got a lot of learning and growing to do. My story is still being written as we speak.
It has gotten me through a lot of difficult times, so has this blog of mine too. It’s not just self-expression or art in written form, it’s therapy, a sanctuary.
I wasn’t sure if I felt like writing at all today, but I knew I’d feel better if I did. Tried my best to remain busy and productive, which I think I was successful with.
As the title states quite clearly: Nostalgia hurts.
Not always the case, might I add. But for me…it weighed heavy on my shoulders like a ton of bricks today, for a lot of reasons. There’s been a lot of personal development in terms of how I deal with this as it happens.
So, that’s at least one positive way to look at a complicated situation.
That being said, I’ve still felt struck by thoughts going a thousand miles per hour. If anything, it’s a lesson of life. Knowing how to explain this feeling in a structured manner proved difficult regardless.
Right now, I just want to focus on my writing, and enjoy the weekend to the best of my ability. Part of me wants to stay up late, the responsible part of me wants to rest and be up early in the morning.
Always a clash between the two, but I’ll leave it up to my intuition and see where it takes me. Hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
A peaceful day, hasn’t really consisted of much except cleaning and watching movies, but I’m cherishing every minute of it.
Sometimes you just need a day or two to get your energy back after a busy week.
It’s the simple yet rewarding moments of each day that I’m learning not to take for granted, because you never know when those will come to an end.
This is a bittersweet month for many reasons, and I’m definitely finding myself more emotional as the days go by. As the 19th marks five years without my grandmother; that’s one of the hardest things about May, and that date haunts me every month, it hurts despite knowing that she’s free of pain and suffering.
All that gives me comfort is that I have an incredible guardian angel in the sky, who looks after me from afar.
Sometimes, taking a moment to think before we do or say something is the difference between wrong and right choices in life. At times, I can find myself being impulsive, in terms of buying certain things or making a change somehow (hair bleach sessions included)
Almost bleached my hair earlier, funnily enough. Until I styled my hair in a different way, which made me appreciate my brunette, messy curls. Tomorrow is Easter Sunday, so I’m looking forward to that.
Faith is such a big part of my daily life, more so with each day that passes by. Makes me so grateful for the people in my life and the positive changes that have occurred in recent years. And I also believe it keeps me close to my late grandmother. In May, it’ll be the fifth anniversary of her passing and that’s so surreal.
I just hope I make her proud, on this complicated journey of life and experiences.
As much as I am grateful for life as it is today, I can’t help but wonder about what could have been in another outcome of events. I know, it’s kind of ridiculous at this point.
But sometimes, your mind just wants to know.
When you have to discuss certain parts of your life, I suppose the curious side of you emerges.
I’ve learned a lot about my past over the last few years or so. Suppressing your feelings about it is a temporary solution. Such a complex journey, yet I do believe that I have found closure as a result.
We can’t change our pasts, unfortunately. As tough as that is for someone like me in moments like this, all I can do is acknowledge it, process it to the best of my ability and accept it.
That’s easier said than done, ultimately.
As I get older, I do hope that things start to make a little more sense.
Well, maybe I’ll write a book about it, or perhaps a novel of some kind. That’s something I hope to do in my later years. We’ll see if it happens.
Stay safe, and I hope you all have a wonderful evening.
If hoarding emotions and thoughts was a skill, I’d be a professional at this point in time. Hoping it will become easier as months goes by, and all of that.
To be honest, my writing has definitely impacted somewhat. You analyze yourself and others too much, as well as your surroundings and patterns.
Hard to believe we’re almost two weeks into the New Year, I’ve had a semi-productive timeline as of recent. It’ll pick up eventually, and so will the motivation and inspiration to do bigger and better things with my mind.
Reflection is good, to some extent. Just don’t overdo it, you’ll thank me later.
There is a lot I have to learn, and accept about myself. Bad habits, that one might need to take a second look at. A lot of books I want to read, places I want to visit and appreciate. Nostalgia seems to have hit me , ever so discreetly.
It’s also nearly four years without my grandmother, I am always in disbelief about this. Feels like yesterday when I held her hand, that last smile has replayed in my mind, more times than I can count. Her strength through it all has definitely played a major part. All I want to do is make my guardian angel proud.